My heart is broken

My boyfriend has a beautiful heart. It’s one of the reasons why I love him as much as I do. It’s genuine. It’s unwanting. 

On a cold night when I’m shivering in self pity, he’ll say a little prayer to those who are homeless.  He doesn’t earn much but he’ll see a beggar and buy him bread without being asked. He ensure that If he has a penny to spare he’ll spare it.

He has a kind beautiful heart. It’s been hurt a lot. But that gentle goodness still lives in him. Not all the time.  He does have his flaws…

Maybe he’s seen a lot. Maybe he’s experienced being that close to poverty. Maybe it’s just him 

I used to be like him. I used to care. I used to want to change the world. I used to see pain and try to heal it. I used to give what I could to those in need. I used to dream about teaching rural kids, enhancing their talents, showing street kids ways to reach their dreams. 

One day I just stopped. I stopped caring. I stopped wanting to help others.

I remember a shrink appointment when I was 18. My psychologist brought up the tsunami in Indonesia. The old me would’ve wanted to help but I didn’t care.

Twelve years later and I don’t see beggars. I avoid them.  I avoid kids. I avoid paying car guards unless I have accessible change. I’ve stopped lending money.

Money is a big issue.  I’ve been trying to control it cos my spending was landing me in debt and I don’t want to be there.

A lady at work, just three years older than me, dies and I’m unaffected. I see sadness in a stranger and I look away, or worse I go and tell someone they were crying rather than helping them. Most days I don’t want to listen to others complain or talk about their lives. Sometimes I catch myself drifting while listening to someone important to me and I have to remind myself to give them that moment to speak. 

I feel cold and selfish. Hardened. Distanced.

Most days animals on the street affect me more than people.  I see a starving dog, with his wounded eyes, and my heart feels for the canine. 

My cat on the other hand just annoys me.  I felt bad yesterday for not giving him any love recently. Cos I’ve been sick and grumpy and irritable and just felt I had no love to give to anyone.

Sometimes when my boyfriend and I go to sleep, I lay my hand on his heart trying to heal his pain. But I’m starting to think my heart needs healing. 

I’ve stopped feeling love for my world, for humanity and for people I meet.

How do I thaw my frozen heart?  How do I heal from this? How do I love freely again?