Dear world

I’m tired.

I feel the heaviness of the world, wearing me down. I wish I didn’t see it. I wish I was different. I wish I was happy.

I wish I saw the rose colored stained glass version of the world.

I wish I was beautiful. I wish I was loved.

Yes. To me those two go hand in hand.

I wish I wasn’t this alone.

The darkness pulling me further and further into the abyss. Life has no meaning. Only suffering.

I wish I was rich so that I could keep running away every time things became hard. Every time I ended here…. In this place…. Where people keep treating me like I know I’ve always treated myself… Watching others get the best version of people who only beat me down and demand more and more from me.

Save me.

Cos I’m tired of trying to save myself.

I’m tired of this life.

I can’t face it anymore

Life update

Tw: self harm, suicide

Sometimes I look back at the last 3 years, when things started getting really bad.

Most days it feels like none of it really happened. That this is all in my head. Stories that I made up.

Some days it really hurts.

I’m either suffering from complex ptsd or I’m borderline. The symptoms are the same. The shrink at the hospital told me that I was borderline… And then there’s that.

The way she treated me thinking that I was borderline. Like she couldn’t believe a word Id said. I felt all her guards up around me. To others, she was the nicest person ever.

I wondered about that for a while. Then I met my friends wife. She had recently graduated as a doctor. We spoke about mental illness and she said that personality disorders are the worst. Those guys look normal but they are so manipulative and disturbed. I mentioned that some borderlines can be nice and they just attack themselves (as I do, I identify as quiet borderline) and she said that those are the worst because they’re covert. That borderlines are worse than narcissists.

My research suggests the opposite. That borderlines can be nice, they’re just hurt. It’s like they’re emotional skin is covered by 3rd degree burns and any touch causes agony.

I think back about all the therapists I reached out to for help. The ones that blamed me. The ones that told me I was fine and I should go home.

It’s the burden of being highly functional.

Because I can enjoy driving to the beach, I’m not depressed.

Because I can wake up and go to work, I’m not in any pain.

I remember begging one for anti depressants at one point cos I couldn’t do it anymore. I was barely functioning. I didn’t want to go to work. Breathing hurt. And she told me that I wasn’t depressed, that my depression was situational and I needed to fix the situation.

Like it was easily fixable.

I was stuck in a relationship with a sociopathic narcissist who had destroyed everything I believed in. I was stuck in a job with a boss that was bullying and tormenting me. I was struggling with a family who didn’t know a thing about me and had just learnt that my childhood was emotionally abusive.

But my pain was situational.

When I overdosed on pills, everyone told me that it was just for attention.

How is that a thing that doctors and nurses and people working in a psychiatric clinic can say to you? How do they not see how invalidating it is? How do they not understand how hard it is to get to that point to cut yourself and swallow tons of pills and injure yourself in a way that could lead to permanent damage? And then they say that it was just for attention. They tell u that you’d never actually do it. That you’d never be back in a place like this.

That morning before I overdosed, I went to see a psychiatrist at the clinic. I told her I was suicidal. That I couldn’t go back to my life. That I needed to be admitted into the clinic.

She told me that I was fine. That maybe there’ll be beds in a few days time. That I should come back in a week.

And when I went home and couldn’t handle my life and took a whole bunch of pills, she looked at me with a type of disappointment… Like look at you just trying to get your way. You don’t belong here.

But I did. I was so broken. There was nothing left of me. Most days, it still feels like there’s nothing left of me.

I can’t remember the last time I felt joy. I’m so good at pretending to be happy, at faking this life in which everything is okay, that all my pain just feels like a lie.

It feels like it doesn’t belong to me. I made all this up. It’s not important. It’s not traumatic enough. I don’t deserve peoples attention and love and kindness to help heal my pain because my pain isn’t real. It isn’t enough to deserve love and kindness and care. It doesn’t deserve help.

My pain is just a burden. I am a burden. I don’t deserve compassion.

I don’t know how to stop being functional. I go to therapists and I try to tell them everything but I smile and I rationalize everything and it all makes sense and they tell me that I don’t need therapy, I’m fine.

My recent therapist told me this in January after I’d cut myself again.

The truth is I’m struggling. Most days I’m drowning. I’ve spent most of the last year and a half, crying and wishing that I wasn’t alive.

I isolate myself all the time. I disassociate. I detach. I can’t get close to anyone.

My ex keeps calling me. Somedays he sucks me back in and I have to go through all the hurt and pain he caused and get myself out again.

Then I tell myself things like he never hit me. That no one will love me the way he did. That this is as good as it gets for me cos I don’t deserve any Better.

And I look at my life and say, see, look at how alone you are. Look at how you’re fucking up every other new relationship you try to maintain – your new boss, your new colleagues, your family…. Look at how none of them are around. Look at how they’ve all given up on you and they’ve only known you for a year and a half.

My brain never stops.

There’s days that I wish I could just give up. When it hurts so much that the only way to cry is in screams.

No matter how self aware I am, it becomes this battle between my rational mind and my borderline mind and the ptsd.

And I’m over therapy. All that money wasted on people thinking there’s nothing wrong with me.

People who still keep me coming week after week to take my money and tell me that I’m fine.

I thought by now I’d have healed a little bit. I have. I don’t feel like I can’t live without my ex anymore. I don’t feel like I’m nothing without him.

So there’s that.

The spirals are further apart.

And I’m trying to be more patient with myself.

So progress.

Small steps.

Even though I’m 32 and believe my times run out for the man who loves me and the happy family life…. I still yearn for it.

My bro just had a kid and his wife is really great…. They support each other… And I want that. But I really don’t believe I’ll ever get it.

It’s not in my cards.

My cards had this.

I cant deal

My boss is being a prick at work. We were told a week ago that our dept was facing retrenchment. 

On friday i got a warning about my in times. I was late by 6-10 min on 10 occassions in the last 2 months with schools and university starting and traffic being mad.

I also got a warning about tagging in at the work canteen and not tagging out or vice versa. The canteen has two other exit points with no tag access control. Plus no one ever checks that. Ppl never tag there routinely.

Then today i had an hr meeting about my sick leave. My boss who was never concerned about my health and told me to wear a mask when i said the dust from construction was actually affecting my health is suddenly concerned about my health. I had to explain myself for half an hour and had to deal with annoying questions like why dont i take antibiotics, why am i seeing different doctors… 

I was cold and angry and probably came across as facetious.

I didnt care. Why cant you just let us breath?

On top of it our allocated time for projects has been cut. So we have insufficient time, have to deal w meetings and the emotions of retrenchment and my boss is being a tool. 

Then theres my flat. Yes its my fault that i have illegally kept a cat which makes viewings of the flat difficult cos i have to hide him and all his stuff. But now they are demanding my spare key so that they can come in to accomodate more buyers. And i have to keep making excuses cos where do i leave my cat? 

And then theres my exs sister who has been messaging me repeatedly about her ottoman. Ive had it for 4 years. My ex and i have broken up repeatedly for months at a time. She has never contacted me. It feels like a tactic of his to suck me in.

I told him that he can get his stuff once he pays me back. But her messaging me just makes me want to destroy his stuff and her ottoman. 

Today i was also asking myself if my crush was just an attempt for me to try and escape the ex. And there he was driving in front of me in traffic and i felt connected to him in a way ill never feel in reality. So i turned off the route and took a different route even though we were driving to the same place. 

Can the world just give me a break?

Cant deal.

Throwback to the ex who broke me

I feel broken. When i had found that my ex had been cheating on me 6 months before we broke up, i was flattened.

Id told him so often how much it all hurt. How much the pain had broken me? How hard it was to let go?

I told him certain behaviours triggered me. He kept doing them. I kept feeling like i couldnt trust him, like there was another woman. He would tell me that i thought the worst of him, that i couldnt get over the past, that i was being unfair.

We would fight about it often.

I never wrote about it before cos i was embarrassed i stayed. Everyone told me to leave. But i was addicted to the comfort he brought. When he was in my life i felt an instant calm. Nothing else mattered.

The day i found out i was shattered. Hed done it again. I couldnt imagine how someone could be so cruel and so heartless. To hear how i was affected and to keep me in the situation.

I lost my shit and told him off. I told him he was heartless and didnt deserve love. I told him i resrnted the day i had met him. I told him that he went on about how i believed the worst in him but he was way worse than id ever imagined.

For years i believed he was a broken man with a good heart. I kept standing up for him.

That day i found out, i called him. I asked if there was anything he wanted to say to me. He said youre in speaker phone. He was with the other woman. He was reassuring her that i meant nothing to him. That she was the only woman for him.

He never reassured me like that in the previous 3 times he had cheated. I was just made to deal and get over it. We would talk about it once and i couldnt mention them again…. Because hed never leave them.

Id also realised that all the times we fought, hed fake it just to find a way out to spend more time w the other woman. I kept trying to be a better girlfriend and a better person cos he had this list of all the things i did wrong.

But none of it ever actually mattered.

The pain has hit me today like a truck. Im flat. I feel empty and broken. I gave him the best of me. 

How can someone be that cruel?

I dont know how to get through this pain. I still think about him. I still miss him. His name still repeats in my head. 

I know its my fault cos i stayed knowing that he was abusive and unloyal. But the coldness of his actions. 

I couldnt talk about it with anyone cos everyone was over our relationship. The back and forths. Even if it was fake. I felt ashamed but destroyed.

I still hear his voice comforting her while i begged him to be human and just talk to me. That soft trustworthy voice i knew so well. They ignored me. And i kept begging until he hang up. 

I lost my shit. Calling and messaging. Then i blocked him.

Hes still blocked. I never heard from him again. But it still breaks me. I spent 4 years with this guy. 

Shamed

I dont know what it is.

On Monday i walked into work and it suddenly hit me. I felt embarrassed, like i had messed up, like i couldnt show my face in public.

I felt shamed.

Out of nowhere. I couldn’t pinpoint why or how. But the feeling has stayed with me. Every interaction intensifying the feeling. Every decision I’ve made since has made me cringe with self  doubt and regret.

I want to hide and disappear.

I feel ashamed of everything i am. My life. My career. My looks. My beliefs. My intellect. What i say. What i dont.

Yesterday, in a moment of deep sadness, i asked my oa whatsapp group if there is such a thing as easy relationships cos all my relationships feel hard and tiring and i constantly have to explain myself or apologise or fight for myself or understand other peoples actions… And im tired.

No one responded. In truth they were having a conversation about something else and i interjected with no acknowledgement of what theyd said before. And that tiny interaction made me wanna never show face in that group again.

I can hear my inner child hide and say no one likes me.

I dont know where it all came from. I think it might be from my birth control pills.

I just hope it leaves me soon.

Being a burden

You know when u have someone in ur life who you think cares about you. Who you believe you are always there for, even when they dont ask. You help them out. Do all their favourite things when theyre sad. Make them feel special. 

And then you call them up and tell them youre having a bad day and ask for their company. And they sound annoyed that they have to change their plans but they come.

And youre grateful for their company and u take them out for supper, get them whatever they want even though youre broke and using your credit card. You let them choose the movie. You have fun together.

And the next day they throw it in your face. How they had to drop their plans to be with you. How their current situation wouldnt have happened if they were not with you. How you would have held it against them for never being there when you needed them if they had said no.

My life is full of people like that. Every where i turn.

It hurts so much.

Why cant i attract genuine people who care about me too?

Whats wrong w me? Do people think im not genuine? Do they take me for granted? Or do they see the things i think im doing for them as unhelpful?

Feigning confidence

I wore a fitting top today. Most of my clothes are baggy over my tummy. But i thought fuck it.

Ive been so awkward at work. I keep telling myself that people wear tummy revealing clothes all the time and most people dont notice it. But i felt super self conscious.

I kept holding my tummy in all day. At varying degrees. I think ppl could tell im not comfortable.

Around lunch time i saw the crush and went back to my office to avoid him. While eating at the canteen he came to join my friend and i and i was so awkward. I didnt know how to sit or what to do.

I had nothing at work to cover me. Not a scarf. Not a jersey. And i recently put back all the weight i lost in october.

Im thinking that i need to make this my new normal for me to become more accepting and loving of myself. To be more comfortable in my skin. 

Hiding allows me to believe that i can hide. When the truth is that i cant.

Updates…. I guess

Ive been feeling sad. Not depressed. Not malfunctional. Just sad. Underneath my mask. When im alone.

On Saturday i felt it after dinnering with my old boss and her friends. It wasnt a terrible nice. My boss sat next to me and we caught up. But i left it feeling disappointed with myself. 

I felt like a failure for being fat. My life felt uninteresting. I couldnt fully pinpoint the reason for the sadness. But i felt sad.

I saw my therapist on sunday and he tried to make me feel better. He told me that i wasnt the problem and that i was a great person but the codependency lied in the relationships i attract and all i needed to be was aware.

On Monday my dad asked me to come down for the weekend for my nieces birthday. I said no to my mum. Didnt even respond to my dad. Just felt incapable of dealing. It made me feel guilty and sad. I still think maybe i should go.

Then theres the fact that i need to move soon and apply for jobs. Ive been in denial about that too. I look at the city i live in and feel again like a failure.  I think “its so beautiful and so perfect here, why cant i make it work?” Ive been trying for just under 6 years. Not a friend. A bad relationship. A job i cant stand (which with a positive attitude and being more confident i could actually have learnt a lot here but instead i stayed stagnant and learnt nothing in 4 years).

The companys also been retrenching lots of people. Department by department. My bosses are in meetings after meetings. Cant help but wonder when my department would be. It wouldnt be an issue with me wanting to leave anyway but they are giving people like a five day notice. How do u plan your life in 5 days?

Ive been continuing with coda and oa. Yesterday i asked a lady to sponsor me but it involves meeting every week and ill be relocating soon.

Im dreading the new city. Im terrified. Its a place that has always terrified me. 

So… Underneath the jokes and smiles and stress is sadness. Thats how i feel.