I feel broken. When i had found that my ex had been cheating on me 6 months before we broke up, i was flattened.
Id told him so often how much it all hurt. How much the pain had broken me? How hard it was to let go?
I told him certain behaviours triggered me. He kept doing them. I kept feeling like i couldnt trust him, like there was another woman. He would tell me that i thought the worst of him, that i couldnt get over the past, that i was being unfair.
We would fight about it often.
I never wrote about it before cos i was embarrassed i stayed. Everyone told me to leave. But i was addicted to the comfort he brought. When he was in my life i felt an instant calm. Nothing else mattered.
The day i found out i was shattered. Hed done it again. I couldnt imagine how someone could be so cruel and so heartless. To hear how i was affected and to keep me in the situation.
I lost my shit and told him off. I told him he was heartless and didnt deserve love. I told him i resrnted the day i had met him. I told him that he went on about how i believed the worst in him but he was way worse than id ever imagined.
For years i believed he was a broken man with a good heart. I kept standing up for him.
That day i found out, i called him. I asked if there was anything he wanted to say to me. He said youre in speaker phone. He was with the other woman. He was reassuring her that i meant nothing to him. That she was the only woman for him.
He never reassured me like that in the previous 3 times he had cheated. I was just made to deal and get over it. We would talk about it once and i couldnt mention them again…. Because hed never leave them.
Id also realised that all the times we fought, hed fake it just to find a way out to spend more time w the other woman. I kept trying to be a better girlfriend and a better person cos he had this list of all the things i did wrong.
But none of it ever actually mattered.
The pain has hit me today like a truck. Im flat. I feel empty and broken. I gave him the best of me.
How can someone be that cruel?
I dont know how to get through this pain. I still think about him. I still miss him. His name still repeats in my head.
I know its my fault cos i stayed knowing that he was abusive and unloyal. But the coldness of his actions.
I couldnt talk about it with anyone cos everyone was over our relationship. The back and forths. Even if it was fake. I felt ashamed but destroyed.
I still hear his voice comforting her while i begged him to be human and just talk to me. That soft trustworthy voice i knew so well. They ignored me. And i kept begging until he hang up.
I lost my shit. Calling and messaging. Then i blocked him.
Hes still blocked. I never heard from him again. But it still breaks me. I spent 4 years with this guy.