Shamed

I dont know what it is.

On Monday i walked into work and it suddenly hit me. I felt embarrassed, like i had messed up, like i couldnt show my face in public.

I felt shamed.

Out of nowhere. I couldn’t pinpoint why or how. But the feeling has stayed with me. Every interaction intensifying the feeling. Every decision I’ve made since has made me cringe with self  doubt and regret.

I want to hide and disappear.

I feel ashamed of everything i am. My life. My career. My looks. My beliefs. My intellect. What i say. What i dont.

Yesterday, in a moment of deep sadness, i asked my oa whatsapp group if there is such a thing as easy relationships cos all my relationships feel hard and tiring and i constantly have to explain myself or apologise or fight for myself or understand other peoples actions… And im tired.

No one responded. In truth they were having a conversation about something else and i interjected with no acknowledgement of what theyd said before. And that tiny interaction made me wanna never show face in that group again.

I can hear my inner child hide and say no one likes me.

I dont know where it all came from. I think it might be from my birth control pills.

I just hope it leaves me soon.

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