Feigning confidence

I wore a fitting top today. Most of my clothes are baggy over my tummy. But i thought fuck it.

Ive been so awkward at work. I keep telling myself that people wear tummy revealing clothes all the time and most people dont notice it. But i felt super self conscious.

I kept holding my tummy in all day. At varying degrees. I think ppl could tell im not comfortable.

Around lunch time i saw the crush and went back to my office to avoid him. While eating at the canteen he came to join my friend and i and i was so awkward. I didnt know how to sit or what to do.

I had nothing at work to cover me. Not a scarf. Not a jersey. And i recently put back all the weight i lost in october.

Im thinking that i need to make this my new normal for me to become more accepting and loving of myself. To be more comfortable in my skin. 

Hiding allows me to believe that i can hide. When the truth is that i cant.

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2 thoughts on “Feigning confidence

  1. I used to wear baggy clothes all of the time, because it made me feel more comfortable. Truth is, bigger clothes make you look bigger than fitting clothes. I had to finally say “I’m fat, it isn’t a secret, wearing big clothes won’t change that or cover it up.” I bought new clothes that fit, even if they showed my rolls. It is what it is. My fat doesn’t define me. It doesn’t define you.

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    1. Thanks C. I need to make that my inner dialogue and learn to stop equating fat with ugly. The weirdest thing is when i look at other people who are slightly bigger i almost always admire how beautiful they look. So in other people i dont equate fat with ugly. Just me. Anyway, im totally dreading the last two eps of this is us. Been avoiding it. Do u watcg crazy ex gf?

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