Ive been feeling sad. Not depressed. Not malfunctional. Just sad. Underneath my mask. When im alone.
On Saturday i felt it after dinnering with my old boss and her friends. It wasnt a terrible nice. My boss sat next to me and we caught up. But i left it feeling disappointed with myself.
I felt like a failure for being fat. My life felt uninteresting. I couldnt fully pinpoint the reason for the sadness. But i felt sad.
I saw my therapist on sunday and he tried to make me feel better. He told me that i wasnt the problem and that i was a great person but the codependency lied in the relationships i attract and all i needed to be was aware.
On Monday my dad asked me to come down for the weekend for my nieces birthday. I said no to my mum. Didnt even respond to my dad. Just felt incapable of dealing. It made me feel guilty and sad. I still think maybe i should go.
Then theres the fact that i need to move soon and apply for jobs. Ive been in denial about that too. I look at the city i live in and feel again like a failure. I think “its so beautiful and so perfect here, why cant i make it work?” Ive been trying for just under 6 years. Not a friend. A bad relationship. A job i cant stand (which with a positive attitude and being more confident i could actually have learnt a lot here but instead i stayed stagnant and learnt nothing in 4 years).
The companys also been retrenching lots of people. Department by department. My bosses are in meetings after meetings. Cant help but wonder when my department would be. It wouldnt be an issue with me wanting to leave anyway but they are giving people like a five day notice. How do u plan your life in 5 days?
Ive been continuing with coda and oa. Yesterday i asked a lady to sponsor me but it involves meeting every week and ill be relocating soon.
Im dreading the new city. Im terrified. Its a place that has always terrified me.
So… Underneath the jokes and smiles and stress is sadness. Thats how i feel.