Returns 

My phone died and I was unable to use it and I forgot the email that I’d used to create this account… Hence the disappearance.

 I’m trying to lose weight again. I joined a group to help motivate myself. I’m not great at making friends so a group helps.

On Sunday during a group exercise,  I found myself third last and so my friends became the three people behind me… Cos they were the only ones who spoke to me.

With my weightloss this time, I’m trying to create a way to deal with setbacks. Emotional, physical, and mental setbacks. I’ve been watching the show This Is Us and I fully relate to Kate and I can also see myself in her position in six years time. Especially considering how in the last three years I’ve only put on more and more weight.

I was looking at the numbers the other day and it really saddened me at how long it will take to lose weight.  I calculated that it would possibly take 20 months to lose 40kg.

But nevertheless, I need to.

Three years ago, my biggest issues/setbacks losing weight were:

1. Low self esteem – triggered by people commenting on my weight, the food I ate and my body. Also mocking me for eating badly (when I was living on salads and roasted veg) and mocking my weightloss. 

2. Self hatred – the more weight I lost, the more I hated the person I saw in the mirror. I wanted to hide my body. It wore baggy clothes. I was ashamed of it. Despite losing over 10 kgs and in retrospect actually looking good. I also became obsessed with calorie counting.

3. Pleasing people who made me hate myself.  The rebel inside me was the real issue. But it really hurt me when people who had fat shamed me for years both congratulated my weightloss and continued to fat shame me. Either by telling me to lose more weight or the clothes I wanted to buy were too tight and I should continue to hide my body.

4. Emotional eating. Restricting calories made it hard for me to deal with my emotions. I always had food. Even when I gamed every day I found myself sad or angry or low and unable to handle that emotion.

5. The low carb grumpiness.  And everyone has something to say about u being grumpy. Cos of course my sole purpose in life is to make others happy. Well thats how it seems when ur a perpetual people pleaser.

6. The inability to believe I’d actually reach my goal weight. The deep belief that I’ve always been fat and I’ll always be fat and no matter how hard I try I’ll never be good enough to reach a goal and achieve something big. I guess it’s the fear of failure and the fear of success.

7. The fear that reaching my goal weight will prove that I’ve never been good enough and that things will only work out once I lose weight. And at the same time, the fear that all this hard work will change nothing… So why try.

I’ll catch up with you all soon. My phones dying and I need to get home.

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