Just looked at my phone and saw a misscall and voice message from the bf.
We hadn’t spoken since Thursday when we were yelling and I told him I don’t want to be in this relationship any more.
For the passed three days I was fine with the decision. For 6 months I’ve been feeling that I didn’t wanna be in the relationship. I’ve been feeling the darkness. The heaviness. I’ve been feeling that I deserve more. I deserve support and love and to feel safe.
I heard his voice message and my heart broke. His used his soft loving voice. The one that melts me. The one that sounds as if he’s falling apart.
He wanted to meet tonight to talk. I didn’t expect to hear from him for another two weeks. He usually has this ability to walk away and not look back. I guess this time he can feel how ready I am to walk away from him.
In February he came back but I assumed it was cos he was having a hard time with his sister. I was ready to leave then too. I felt nothing when he came in to talk. In fact everything he’d said made me feel like leaving him was the right thing.
Then he came by a third time in one day asking me for help with his car. I helped. And without talking we just went back to normal. He spent the night, we cuddled and it was as if we’d never broken up.
In that moment, I feared being alone. I often imagine collapsing in my apartment and no one finding me until a week later. Or needing help and having no one to ask.
In ways he’s always there for me. Physically. In ways he’s never there for me. Emotionally.
I feel like I’m weakening right now. I just needed more time before hearing his voice. And the way things went with my dad yesterday…
I just feel so detached from my dad. Anything he says instantly annoys me. And i know he doesn’t mean to. I know he’s trying to reach out and doesn’t know how to. I know he has a really good heart. But I just get so annoyed. Even with small things like him asking me for help when he can’t do something on the computer. I often don’t even respond to him when he calls me. And i know, if anything happens to him, I will feel a deep broken regret. Because my dad is a good man.