So the family trip went really well. My mum mentioned my weight twice but subtly while talking about herself. So I wasn’t terribly offended. In fact I had a pretty good time. Mainly talking to my mum.
Then I call my dad now after getting home. My dad tends to say things that instantly annoy me and I end up snapping at him. I blame it on all the emotions I feel trying to come to terms with my past.
Anyway so I call and he asks me if I still go to gym. I say ya. He talks about how he lost some weight by not eating bread. I say that’s great. Then he adds maybe you should try that and I can show him next time I come down. So I snapped and i said I like my body as it is and it’s rude for him to comment on it. And then he says I mustn’t get angry but my health is in jeopardy. And i said that I’m not angry I’m just ending the conversation.
It’s really upset me.
When I got home today I was actually keen on starting my diet and starting to gym and dance and just work on me.
And now that he said that, I literally just want to binge and not give a shit
Really. I must show him that I can lose weight.
He’s the one who told me I was too ugly to be an actress when I was 7. He fucked with my head and made me become ridden with fear. He’s one of the main reasons why I lost out on so many opportunities as a kid. Cos he was afraid.
And now he wants me to lose weight so I can show him.
I was in a trying good mood until that call. I actually felt good abt being home and thought maybe I need to spend more time there.
Bamn. This is why I dread going home.
I know it’s small and it seems like I’m overreacting. But theres so much pain in me when it comes to my weight.
Today I told my mum how when I look at those skinny pics of myself I don’t recognise them cos everyone constantly told me how fat I was or how I was putting on weight or how the size I wear was massive (I had boobs n a butt). My mums response is “well now you are fat. You became it”
I was gonna blog about another incident that was really positive and forward looking but I got stuck on this