Urgh 

So the family trip went really well. My mum mentioned my weight twice but subtly while talking about herself.  So I wasn’t terribly offended. In fact I had a pretty good time. Mainly talking to my mum.

Then I call my dad now after getting home. My dad tends to say things that instantly annoy me and I end up snapping at him. I blame it on all the emotions I feel trying to come to terms with my past. 

Anyway so I call and he asks me if I still go to gym. I say ya. He talks about how he lost some weight by not eating bread. I say that’s great. Then he adds maybe you should try that and I can show him next time I come down. So I snapped and i said I like my body as it is and it’s rude for him to comment on it.  And then he says I mustn’t get angry but my health is in jeopardy. And i said that I’m not angry I’m just ending the conversation. 

It’s really upset me.

When I got home today I was actually keen on starting my diet and starting to gym and dance and just work on me.

And now that he said that, I literally just want to binge and not give a shit

Really. I must show him that I can lose weight.

He’s the one who told me I was too ugly to be an actress when I was 7.  He fucked with my head and made me become ridden with fear. He’s one of the main reasons why I lost out on so many opportunities as a kid. Cos he was afraid.

And now he wants me to lose weight so I can show him.

Wtf

I was in a trying good mood until that call. I actually felt good abt being home and thought maybe I need to spend more time there.

Bamn. This is why I dread going home.

I know it’s small and it seems like I’m overreacting.  But theres so much pain in me when it comes to my weight.

Today I told my mum how when I look at those skinny pics of myself I don’t recognise them cos everyone constantly told me how fat I was or how I was putting on weight or how the size I wear was massive (I had boobs n a butt). My mums response is “well now you are fat. You became it” 

😥

I was gonna blog about another incident that was really positive and forward looking but I got stuck on this

 Urgh

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5 thoughts on “Urgh 

  1. You have to learn how to not give them the control. If you wanted to diet, do it for yourself. You don’t have to prove anything to your dad and by rebelling against his advice, you are trying to prove to him he has no control. It’s gone full cycle and all you’re doing is going against your own will to spite him.
    Take a deep breath and decide what YOU want. Then do it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You do it for you, if you want. If you don’t, then don’t. But maybe it’s time to start cutting out negativity from your life on all fronts. Boyfriends, family, whoever drags you down – wash your hands of them. If they can’t figure out how to change how they speak to you, they don’t deserve to be in your life.

    Whatever you weight you are, you’re still the same exact person on the inside. If they can’t see or recognize that – they don’t deserve a space in your life.

    Liked by 1 person

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