There’s things I never told people that happened in the relationship. Things that I felt if I did say they’d judge me for staying.
For example, he’d buy cocaine every time he had money but he was deeply in debt and struggling with his expenses. I’d know and find straws but he’d always lie to me. Two months ago I caught him in the act and he angrily came clean. I chose to accept it and asked him not to lie. I took some with him, my first time taking hard drugs to finish it faster. But the next month he lied again until I found it. And this month he lied Again but I never found it. I just knew
Two weekends ago in one of his cocaine alcohol binges where he doesn’t sleep for two nights in a row, I woke him out to go to a concert. He angrily told me to get out his house and leave (a second time his drunken response to me was to leave). I hadn’t said or done anything except ask him repeatedly if we can go and try to wake him up. He got extremely aggressive and grab my arms and pushed me. When I drove home sobbing, I noticed my arms were turning blue. I had his bank card in my hand and withdrew his money. He thought it was fraud. I didn’t say anything.
When he came to see me he had excuses about how I had made him angry and I should’ve walked away so it didn’t escalate and I could’ve prevented it. Yes probably. But he should prevent getting that wasted.
I told him about the money and he turned the entire things. It wasn’t about his drunken stupor or angry outburst or violent pushing of me that gave me bruises. It was about how he’d trusted me and I betrayed him and how it’ll take a while for him to get over it.
Two nights later I’d dreamt of the same moment, but this time there was a baby crying in a corner.
And i knew, I couldn’t stay with him forever. He could never be the man I marry.
Last night I dreamt that though broken up I hung around him and his family. To see if he’s having fun. If he’s surrounded by women. The girl he cheated on me with was there. Waiting for her turn. His friends and family were drinking in the dark in a closed bar, hiding from gangs. I went to sit with him and asked why he hadn’t told anyone we’re broken up yet. He seemed so sad and pitiful that when I left I didn’t care whether or not another woman grabbed him.
As much as he has a beautiful good heart, he’s not in a good space right now. And the happy moments were great bit it was never a constant. And that’s what really shattered me in the relationship. It’s almost like it was self sabotaged. Maybe by him, maybe by both of us. Cos wed be at our happiest and then everything would crash. We’d have an amazing two weeks together, and then bamn, we’re not talking.