I miss him

I keep telling myself that the person I miss is not the person I was dating. 

There were too many things I needed and wanted in the relationship that just didn’t matter to him. 

But I miss him.

I miss having someone I can call every day just to say goodnight to. To share my day with.

I miss looking at my phone and knowing there’ll be something from him.

I miss looking forward to seeing him. I’d get excited just seeing him come towards my car when I picked him up from work. Even if I’d seen him that morning. Even if all we had planned was to go home, watch series and sleep.

I miss having someone in my life who thought I was beautiful and never ever made me feel uncomfortable about my weight. 

I miss his omelettes.

I miss eating whatever I wanted around him and not feeling self conscious. 

I miss the mandatory half hour of cuddle time in the morning as he repetitively pressed snooze.

I miss everything he’d teach me about his culture. 

I miss his smile and his eyes.

I miss how he’d cheer me up on grumpy mornings. 

I miss how he’d do silly things like watch movies in the kitchen cos I felt needy and wanted him near me as I cooked.

I know this break up is the best possible thing for me. We didn’t have a good foundation and we failed at rebuilding one , despite therapy.

There was more fear than love, trust and commitment.  And there was just too much pain. 

I know one day he’ll find that woman that makes him be a better man.  But I know for certain that I wasn’t that woman for him. Things, despite my best intentions,  never went how I’d planned. 

I’d lose my shit and sometimes yes, I too was emotionally abusive and sarcastic and just as destructive to the relationship.  Despite all the love I felt. I just wanted more… Maybe immaturely…  But I wanted more romance and more passion and more security… I wanted to feel special. 

And i know it’s idealistic.  But not feeling it just made me depressed. Cos since I couldn’t expect the best from him as I’d end up disappointed,  I started expecting the worst… And when my expectations were met, it shattered me. 

It’s only been a day. He’s been on my mind for most of it. He didn’t respond to my break up text but I didn’t expect him to. 

I pray that after a month the pain will fade. The regret would subside. I tell myself there’s no going back from this. Recently we’ve gone back after rather unforgivable events.

But our relationship was forever changed.  And i don’t think we’ll ever be great again. I think that period ended a long time ago and we’d stayed together in the hope that that happiness will come back. 

Break ups suck.

I really pray this time we don’t go back. I’m trying to be strong. Because I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of the darkness.  Feeling like I’m alone even when hes next to me. Cos deep down I believed I could never truly be honest about how I felt without him overreacting and leaving. I didn’t want him to leave.  So I never spoke about how I felt. And issues I had were never resolved

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