An end

Ever since yet another shitty nye together and poor excuse of an anniversary I’ve been feeling unhappy with my relationship.  feeling this constant yearning to leave. I tried breaking up with him 3 times already this year. 

But there was something that kept us deeply bounded.  Either he came back or I came back… But we just fitted.  The comfort of each others arms was too luring. And i never lasted more than a day. Cos despite everything,  he’s been my only happiness in this shithole of a city. The only constant.  The only person there for me. 

Also, with my bouts of depression and darkness, I didn’t wanna make the wrong decision just because I felt so unhappy and unadequate and unlovable 

But this week wore me out.  We’ve been fighting almost every weekend about stupid things. He’s been drinking and taking drugs more often again. He’s been angry again. When he’s pissed drunk his go to is to tell me to leave. And just last week he told me that he didn’t trust me.

Things were amazing this week. Like most weeks. We were bonding and then bamn another stupid fight dropping me to my knees. And then he comes to my place angry to get his bank card and just leaves. Doesn’t say a word.

And today, my last night here before I visit my parents, and he didn’t make any effort to see me or make things right… Even though I’m only going for two nights. To me, it shows me that I’m just not that important to him. He apparently tried calling earlier cos he’d wanted to talk.  But Id missed his call and he didn’t answer when I’d called back. 

It hurt me deeply. And it reminded me of all the times he’d hurt me that deeply. Deeper than anyone has ever hurt me. And i sobbed hard all night on Wed thinking of all the times I’d sobbed that hard in the relationship. Times where I literally fell to my knees, sobbing. Broken.

I’ve been losing a lot of ppl this year. Like the married guy at wk who’s been acting weird and who blocked me on WhatsApp… Striking them off one by one for not treating me better. It’s left me isolated and alone cos the truth is that I have no one here.

I’m just tired.

With him, I’m tired of the fighting. I’m tired of feeling excited that things are working out and everything falling to shit. Our relationship had no foundation.  No brick pillars holding it up and together. Every time we fell, we fell hard and the entire relationship fell with us.

I love so much about him. About us. And I completely believe that any relationship can work if both people love each other enough to make it work.

But tonight, I’m single at 30. A failure in a shitty job with no friends. Not even at work cos they’re all fake douchebags. 

I told him I was tired of the darkness.

 For three years the relationship has stayed in the same place. It never grew, it never became stronger… And both our lives just got harder. Tougher emotionally and spiritually and physically. 

I never went for my goals. Never taught myself anything new. Never tried for anything.

I just put on weight. And felt empty. Probably cos I never felt really safe.  

I saw a photo taken of me on Monday at the event and I was shocked. I looked like a round ball. I’d lost all my shape. My curves.  I put it on instagram anyway  despite the shock and pain and disgust

I think this break up is for the best. I love him but it’s just been such a struggle. I mean, I couldn’t tell him my material for monday cos I knew he wouldn’t be supportive in the way I needed him to be. He’d be supportive in his way, which was great but not what I needed. 

And for 6 months I kept telling myself all of this. That the relationship just doesn’t feel right. My needs don’t feel met. I should feel special..   Shouldn’t I?

Some days I’d find myself thinking the worst of him and I’d think to myself, ‘how can I be with him if I think so little of him in this moment ‘.

Trust. Commitment.  Love. A desire to make each other happy. It just didn’t have enough of the fundamentals. 

I just pray for the strength to not go back. To not message him. To not beg him to forgive me. 

I pray I get the support to just grow for myself. I pray to leave this darkness behind.

I’m tired of this darkness.

I love him to the moon and back. But it’s just not healthy. It’s more destructive and hurtful than healthy. I cant remember the last time that we just felt love and had fun.

Please help me get through this. To the other side. Where I’m more positive and happy and love myself 

I need to feel the light again.