Opportunities 

At the end of last month I was feeling exceptionally depressed. I’d let a big opportunity fly, a competition that excited me. But despite the fantasies I had of winning, deep down I knew that I never would.

At the same time a second different opportunity had come up. One in comedy that I had last flexed my muscles at over 5 years ago. It depressed me thinking that I wasn’t ready. Maybe next year. Another time. I’m ugly. I’d never be good enough. 

Speaking to a bunch of people, they told me there was nothing to lose.

So I entered. With just a weekend to come up with something and practise it til I had it memorised. 

I met old faces I hadn’t seen in ten years. Faces of people who once supported me and offered me great opportunities but who I had refused cos I was too young,  too not ready, too insecure and self aware and broken. Now they ignored me. Recognised me but ignored me.

I did my bit, nervous but funny… People laughed. But I didn’t make it. I fantasised that I would. That other people were not as funny.

The one thing everyone who made it had that I didn’t was confidence and I fake calm. Two of them didn’t even get any laughs. 

But I wasn’t bitter.

Sure I was disappointed.  

But after a while I realised that I had fun. That I was actually pretty good. That I hadn’t failed.

I imagined trying. Working on it for a year or two. Trying to get in. Even if it’s shit. Even if it’s a waste of time.

And despite that positivity I felt, a deep brokenness reverberated in the pauses – I’m just not good enough, I’ll never be good enough, I hate myself… 

And in the silence those words defeat me. I look back at all the opportunities I’d missed. All the greatness I’d once dreamt of. All gone. I don’t think it’ll ever come back.

Most importantly, I don’t know how to shake off that deep broken unhappiness. That shame. That deep inadequacy. 

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4 thoughts on “Opportunities 

  1. Self-sabotage is the easiest thing to do to yourself. You are better than the inner voice that holds you back. You are worth so much more than what you believe. I wish you lived in the States so we could be friends and you could know what a true friendship is like.

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    1. I wish I was too. I really feel like no one has ever loved me. Not in a real way. Not in an unselfish way. Not in a way that keeps them from leaving. It’s victim sounding but the loneliness is real. The need for just a hint of validity is real. The brokenness is real

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