The calm

The calm you feel when you somehow manage to make it to the other side of the low. 

Where all that pain and emotion, which felt life threatening,  somehow moves into the distance. 

Not completely.  It’s not fixed. But that tsunami of brokenness pushing you over the edge has cleared. The heaviness lifts. The continuous emotion and tears pauses. The flood dries.

And in the calm after the storm, I look in the mirror… I look at myself and I think that all my life I’ve just been fighting me. I’ve been putting life on hold until I was prettier. Not posting those awesome pictures with a celebrity cos I think I look fat (and then my harddrive  breaks and I lose it forever). Not wearing those clothes cos they’re too revealing of my stomach or arms or bum (and then I put on more weight and it doesn’t fit or worse, it tears never having been worn). Not doing things cos I’m embarrassed of how i might look doing it (and then the opportunitys over forever).

I feel like I’ve wasted the last 30 years waiting to be someone I’m not. Instead of just being myself.

Sure, I struggle knowing who i am at times. 

But that’s life. I need to stop waiting. I need to let go of all this pain and shame that keeps knocking me down. 

This morning I thought about my posts from the last week and I felt embarrassed.  It felt so revealing and imperfect that I felt that fear of showing my face again. The yearning to keep hiding. Until I’m pretty enough.  Until I’m clever enough. Until I’m lovable enough.

No.

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4 thoughts on “The calm

  1. It’s so easy to start believing you’re not good enough. That you’re too fat for people to see you. Too stupid for people to hear you. To annoying for people to want to spend time with you. I struggle with all of that myself. It’s not easy to realize that that’s not true. Nobody’s perfect, but nobody has to be. Live your life the way you want to. I hope you realize now that you’re beautiful just the way you are. You’re strong. So keep on fighting.
    Ps. You’re a really good writer.

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  2. I could have written this! I’m 65 years old and I still have all those insecurities and hang ups! I have to say the situation with H didn’t help any of that. My brain knows that it’s not about me but some days it’s hard to believe that. I keep waiting for the day when I have it all together in every way. I was at a small gathering recently and there was a woman there that I knew, but didn’t know very well. When I said something about hating the way I looked and that I was going to counseling she looked at me dumbfounded and said, “I always admired you and thought you had it all together!” It’s funny how people see us completely different than we see ourselves!

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