Gutted

Woke up this morning feeling gutted, limp.

I know it’s probably hormones but it feels so real. The tears don’t stop. Nor does the aching… An aching that simply feels like heaviness. As if the skin surrounding my entropy is weighing me down and I need to tear it off to feel again. To make me feel again.

I realised that while I am pretty independent and self sufficient,  when it comes to relationships I need a lot. Nothing that I can really ask for. It’s mostly emotional. 

Some people need a relationship for physical or materialistic things. I always felt like I was doing everything. But everything I did was tickable.  It was visible. It was obvious.  And I never felt my needs were met cos I could never describe them.  I could never see them.  I always thought I was easy and simple but  I’m not. 

I need a lot. I need a relationship that supports me, that accepts me, that makes me feel safe, that allows me to open my wounds and heal without judgement,  that holds me together when I fall apart, that chooses to love me through everything, that helps me create boundaries and hold them up, that nourishes me, that shows me my happy places when I’m down and that helps me see my cycles so that I can break them. 

They say your partner shouldn’t have to make yourself happy.  He shouldn’t have to be a support for your emotions. You should have that down and he just be there for all the materialistic and physical things 

But that’s not what I need. I can provide for myself in that respect.  It’s emotional support that I need.

I never understood this until now. Since I was a kid I prided the idea that I didn’t need anyone, that I was an island, a self sufficient island.

I also realise that I’m attracted to angry men because I believe they’d protect me and stand up for me… It’s a flawed belief. 

And every time i said it, the hole inside me grew… The more I turned to food and alcohol and no strings attached sex for nourishment. 

I’ve been told it’s not fair to need emotional support.  There’s articles upon articles on how men should avoid insecure women or how women shouldn’t expect men to be there emotional support or how clingy and needy women are a turn off. Men want a woman who is capable of making herself happy…

I don’t know if any of its true. The men I’ve known in my life gave lost all credibility after I realised that the majority of them, from my past, on said things to me that they believed would get them into my bed. I’ve never had a genuine male friend and my brother and I were never close.

So if it is true, I guess I’m bound to always end up alone

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2 thoughts on “Gutted

  1. There is a point in saying that because if you aren’t capable of making yourself happy, no amount of emotional support is going to do it for you. HOWEVER, I feel that saying no emotional support should be given, that it is not needed or that it’s a bad thing to give it is a lie and total bullshit. Probably writen by one of the angry men who have made you so unhappy.
    The best relationships are based in complete emotional and physical reciprocal support. It’s a connection that runs deeper than material support. It’s the giving and receiving that comes free of charge and brings happiness.

    Like

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