I’m so tired of people. I’m so tired of people who just speak louder or angrier. I’m so tired of being told not to speak. Being shut up.
This started as a child. Being the youngest by 7 years. Always being told to keep quiet, that my opinion doesn’t count because I’m too young. That my problems aren’t real because the older siblings had bigger problems. That whenever I needed something I was just looking for attention.
I was constantly made to feel small. And, in turn, it made me doubt myself a lot. Was leaving my shoes in the wrong place really a sign that I was lazy and lethargic? Did I really not know anything? When I was sick, I downplayed it so that it wouldn’t seem like I was looking for attention. I tried to make myself invisible, doing things before I was told to. To protect myself from being judged without justification.
However, I feel that today, not much has changed. It’s not my family and friends anymore. It’s people who are louder. People who are more confident. People who are taller or bigger. or hotter.
I’ve lost my faith in humanity. I’d like to think it’s the evening primrose supplements making me feel depressed.
But I’m tired. I’m tired of being shut up. Whenever I have an opinion.
I talk about myself and I’m shut up cos no one cares. I defend my culture when people talk about it or are racist towards it and I’m shut up because I don’t get a joke. I give my opinion about race and get shut up because I’m not the right colour to talk about such things and I haven’t experienced racism or oppression. I speak out on being a woman and I’m shut down because I’m not angry enough or don’t understand or have been privileged (despite the people calling me privileged being wealthier, better educated and a 100 times more well off than i am). I stand up for myself to say I’m not privileged in any way and I get told that thats what privileged people say.
My voice never matters. Even if I am experienced in what I’m talking about, theres always someone louder saying my experience doesn’t count.
Maybe I’m sensitive. Maybe this is a trigger for me. Maybe I attract bullies in every area of my life. But I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to speak.
The only time you can have an opinion is if you’re loud and angry and fast with words.
A recent encounter made me question whether everything I feel is just an excuse. Is my depression not a real depression? Was my self harm and suicidal thoughts not valid when I was younger? Or my self harm now?
Is any of what I’m going through real? It’s not diagnosed. It’s not medicated. So maybe it’s not real. Maybe I just make bad decisions.
Maybe my family was perfect and didn’t mess me up at all. I’m so confused.
I’ve always always felt like I was just like everyone else. People would say no but I’d believe that there was not a single thing unique about me.
Sometimes I wonder if how I feel is that same as how everyone feels about themselves. I can’t imagine what feeling differently would feel like and therefore don’t believe it exists.
But then I wonder, why is no one else in the hole I’m in. How is everyone managing to get through it all so easily? What’s so wrong with me that i can’t find my way out of this?
Sometimes I still feel like the 9 year old, at home, crying myself to sleep every night… Alone. Not a person in the world who gets her.