When the voices are louder and you no longer hear your own 

I’m so tired of people.  I’m so tired of people who just speak louder or angrier. I’m so tired of being told not to speak.  Being shut up.

This started as a child. Being the youngest by 7 years. Always being told to keep quiet,  that my opinion doesn’t count because I’m too young. That my problems aren’t real because the older siblings had bigger problems. That whenever I needed something I was just looking for attention. 

I was constantly made to feel small. And, in turn, it made me doubt myself a lot. Was leaving my shoes in the wrong place really a sign that I was lazy and lethargic? Did I really not know anything? When I was sick, I downplayed it so that it wouldn’t seem like I was looking for attention. I tried to make myself invisible, doing things before I was told to.  To protect myself from being judged without justification. 

However, I feel that today, not much has changed. It’s not my family and friends anymore. It’s people who are louder. People who are more confident. People who are taller or bigger. or hotter.

I’ve lost my faith in humanity. I’d like to think it’s the evening primrose supplements making me feel depressed.

But I’m tired. I’m tired of being shut up. Whenever I have an opinion.

I talk about myself and I’m shut up cos no one cares. I defend my culture when people talk about it or are racist towards it and I’m shut up because I don’t get a joke. I give my opinion about race and get shut up because I’m not the right colour to talk about such things and I haven’t experienced racism or oppression.  I speak out on being a woman and I’m shut down because I’m not angry enough or don’t understand or have been privileged (despite the people calling me privileged being wealthier, better educated and a 100 times more well off than i am).  I stand up for myself to say I’m not privileged in any way and I get told that thats what privileged people say.

My voice never matters. Even if I am experienced in what I’m talking about, theres always someone louder saying my experience doesn’t count.

Maybe I’m sensitive.  Maybe this is a trigger for me. Maybe I attract bullies in every area of my life.  But I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to speak. 

The only time you can have an opinion is if you’re loud and angry and fast with words.

A recent encounter made me question whether everything I feel is just an excuse. Is my depression not a real depression? Was my self harm and suicidal thoughts not valid when I was younger? Or my self harm now? 

Is any of what I’m going through real? It’s not diagnosed. It’s not medicated. So maybe it’s not real. Maybe I just make bad decisions. 

Maybe my family was perfect and didn’t mess me up at all. I’m so confused.

I’ve always always felt like I was just like everyone else. People would say no but I’d believe that there was not a single thing unique about me.

Sometimes I wonder if how I feel is that same as how everyone feels about themselves. I can’t imagine what feeling differently would feel like and therefore don’t believe it exists.

But then I wonder, why is no one else in the hole I’m in. How is everyone managing to get through it all so easily? What’s so wrong with me that i can’t find my way out of this?

Sometimes I still feel like the 9 year old, at home, crying myself to sleep every night… Alone. Not a person in the world who gets her.

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5 thoughts on “When the voices are louder and you no longer hear your own 

  1. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like your depression isn’t justified. If you’re sad, then you’re sad. It’s not a mind-trick. Unfortunately we live in a world of competitive narcissists. If you have a problem, they have a bigger one. If you have a headache, they have a migraine. We live in a world where people think that being loud and assertive equals being heard over the quiet ones. And then when the quiet ones flip out and shoot up a shopping mall, people deem them crazy (which, to an extent they are, because taking someone’s life is uncalled for) BUT, for some of these people, someone didn’t stop to listen to them. They weren’t heard. And people that kill themselves? Well, they become “selfish” and judged harshly for their actions. “They couldn’t hack it, so they took the easy way out.” It’s all judgement from people that can’t even walk a mile in the same shoes.

    There will come a time when you reach your limit on being shut down by everyone, and you will then become the loud person. However short-lived that moment may be, when you have had enough, people will hear you when you flip your shit on them. Everyone has a line. You haven’t reached yours, yet.

    You have to feel that you deserve to be heard and validated for your feelings. You have to know your worth, before you can shine your light, girl.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They lack empathy like rape apologists. Urgh. The other day I flipped out. Completely lost my shit in public. Yelling, swearing, waving my arms, shaking my head… All I could think about after was how they were all probably mocking me, calling me crazy, repeating things I did and said in hysterics. Thank you for always knowing just what to say. Hug. I hope you’re feeling a little better.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Your struggle is real. People react in different ways to the same situation. There isn’t a right or wrong, really.
    Maybe you are more sensitive but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Unfortunately it means you will be more vulnerable and get hurt more often.
    I wish there was an easy solution. All I know is that you can’t stop giving your opinions and standing up for yourself. That will only send you down even further. Hugs.

    Like

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