Stray cat

At work there’s a group that give people nicknames for their work tags. Not anything insulting. It’s just for fun.

For weeks they’ve struggled with mine. I didn’t feel any of the names fitted. Today, one of them came up with Stray Cat 😻 and I thought,  yes, that’s me.

I’ve never felt like I’d belonged anywhere. Not with family or friends. I didn’t have a group of friends, just randoms. I never felt understood. I never felt like anyone ever knew me. If someone said they’d liked me my response was often that they don’t know me.

I guess I never knew myself.

Now and then I’d feel close to someone but nothing ever lasted.

I know its all in me, my head, but I don’t feel I have a home. A home is where you feel safe and heard and seen and loved and it warms you up and makes you feel secure.

I’m not saying Ive never had a home. My family home felt like my real home for years. I cherish them more than myself. But sometimes I feel they hurt me more than heal me.  I don’t come from a broken home but somehow it broke me.

This feels like random bs. I have a headache,  haven’t eaten since this morning and have been ugly sobbing for close to four hours.

I think I should get offline. 

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