The pain comes in waves

The pain comes in waves, infrequent,  subtle. Some days it knock you down, on other days it simply floats through you.

It’s the same for every deep hurt. It never disappears. You never truly heal or get over it. Your body remembers. It remembers how your heart fell and your breath became mechanical. It stored that pain so that on an average day like this, you could wake up and remember it.

This morning, as I lay in bed, my heart wandered. And like a ghost drifting through me, the memory of the other woman floated. 

I remembered how she had spent over a week at the bfs house with his sister around. All I’d seen was a text message: there’s no food in the fridge. Tell girl x. You know when she comes over she stays for a week.

I don’t know which week she had stayed over. I don’t know how many times she’d spent more than a week at his house. I don’t know how I’d never noticed him spending weeks away from me. Why had I never even thought of going over? 

Because I’d trusted him. I’d trusted us.

Sometimes I find myself in a loop asking seemingly frantic questions. 

Oh where were you?

What did you get up to?

Which cousins?

From where?

Whyd the spend it at your place?
Or every time his phone might ring…

Who’s that? 

What did he want?

Where’s he from?

It’s almost as if you’re trying not to miss a thing cos the last time you had.  You’d missed a big thing and it had broken you 

I’m fine now. But the memories always come back.

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2 thoughts on “The pain comes in waves

  1. I don’t want to sound judgey at all, but why are you questioning yourself? Was it your responsibility to watch him to make sure he isn’t doing something wrong? No, of course not. You trusted…that’s what loving someone is. You loved him, therefore you were not going to watch over him to make sure he wasn’t a rat. You’re the good person in this scenario. He’s the one that violated that trust, it was up to him to watch over himself.
    I’m sure it doesn’t help hearing that, but maybe you need to remind yourself that you’re a good and wonderful person.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. No. Quite the opposite. I never saw it like that. I guess life makes u take everything personally especially when ur constantly blamed for things growing up. You are right. He made his own decisions. It wasn’t for me to catch him out or catch anyone out.

      Liked by 2 people

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