I’ve been struggling to lose weight. No, that’s a lie because I haven’t really tried to in the last year. I’ve been struggling to find the motivation to start losing weight. I see people do it and look great and I think about starting but there’s nothing pushing me to want to lose weight.
I can think of many reasons for why I’m fat. Not great reasons. But reasons about pain and protection and childhood hurts and bad situations and my constant desire to both rebel and pretend that I’m happy with who i am (though this falls under childhood issues). All of it is deeply ingrained in me, my beliefs and memories I barely remember. Every time there’s a new hurt or unhappiness, I pile on the weight because I feel my emotions.
So as much as I’m recognising and working through those reasons and trying really hard to let go…
On the other side, I have no valid reasons to want to lose weight. I’ve been thinking about various reasons I’ve had to lose weight and none if them feel real.
1. Losing weight will help me become more confident and self assured. Um no… I used to be thin and I wasn’t more confident. In fact,three years ago when I lost weight, I actually started feeling more self conscious even though my clothes were lose and I attracted more people making comments on my weight, how I look and what I eat.
2. Losing weight will make me happier. No. I fall into dips because I’m dealing with my own depression and not because I’m fat. Being fat doesn’t make you sad.
3. I’ll find a better guy. No. I’ll just attract more douchebags looking for an easy target (as I did when I was younger and thinner). If this was true, all my thin friends would be married to poster boys. A guy should love me as I am. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. And I realised the biggest problem is me. How I perceive love. Great guys have liked me but I never realised it because I don’t know how to differentiate between love and always proving I’m worthy.
4. I’d be healthier. No. I can be fat and healthy. I can be thin and unhealthy
5. I’d love myself more. No.
6. Clothes will fit me better. Not really. If I could afford to buy better clothes or have mine tailor made they could fit me perfectly now. Clothes don’t always fit thin ppl well. Plus who i am dressing to please. All these patriarchal and capitalist bs.
7. So I’d be pretty. No.
8. So I wouldn’t have a double chin. Thin ppl have double chins, like my sister. I think it’s hereditary.
9. So my thighs don’t rub. No. All thighs rub.
10. So I can finally be loved… By the world