Being fat

I’ve been struggling to lose weight.  No, that’s a lie because I haven’t really tried to in the last year. I’ve been struggling to find the motivation to start losing weight. I see people do it and look great and I think about starting but there’s nothing pushing me to want to lose weight. 

I can think of many reasons for why I’m fat. Not great reasons. But reasons about pain and protection and childhood hurts and bad situations and my constant desire to both rebel and pretend that I’m happy with who i am (though this falls under childhood issues). All of it is deeply ingrained in me, my beliefs and memories I barely remember. Every time there’s a new hurt or unhappiness, I pile on the weight because I feel my emotions. 

So as much as I’m recognising and working through those reasons and trying really hard to let go…

On the other side, I have no valid reasons to want to lose weight. I’ve been thinking about various reasons I’ve had to lose weight and none if them feel real.

1. Losing weight will help me become more confident and self assured. Um no… I used to be thin and I wasn’t more confident. In fact,three years ago when I lost weight, I actually started feeling more self conscious even though my clothes were lose and I attracted more people making comments on my weight, how I look and what I eat.

2. Losing weight will make me happier.  No. I fall into dips because I’m dealing with my own depression and not because I’m fat. Being fat doesn’t make you sad.

3. I’ll find a better guy. No.  I’ll just attract more douchebags looking for an easy target (as I did when I was younger and thinner). If this was true, all my thin friends would be married to poster boys. A guy should love me as I am. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. And I realised the biggest problem is me. How I perceive love. Great guys have liked me but I never realised it because I don’t know how to differentiate between love and always proving I’m worthy.

4. I’d be healthier. No. I can be fat and healthy. I can be thin and unhealthy 

5. I’d love myself more. No. 

6. Clothes will fit me better. Not really.  If I could afford to buy better clothes or have mine tailor made they could fit me perfectly now.  Clothes don’t always fit thin ppl well. Plus who i am dressing to please. All these patriarchal and capitalist bs.

7. So I’d be pretty. No. 

8. So I wouldn’t have a double chin. Thin ppl have double chins, like my sister. I think it’s hereditary. 

9. So my thighs don’t rub. No. All thighs rub.

10. So I can finally be loved… By the world 

Sigh.

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20 thoughts on “Being fat

  1. I think for me, my weight gain is 100% related to my mental health…if I look back, I began gaining weight when began feeling like poop.
    I think, really, things have to come down to what it is you want and make small changes and just being different, I guess…
    I don’t really have anything worth saying…but I can relate to some of the things you say here.

    Like

      1. I’m down 8 pounds in the past two weeks. I’d like to call it a success, but it had a lot to do with skipping some meals….ugh

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      1. Really? I had another one that I deleted a long time ago, but this one is still active.
        Foreverchanged2014.wordpress.com

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  2. And there you have it. It all boils down to this. Lose weight because you want to, and no other reason. If you don’t want to, don’t. Just learn to appreciate the skin you’re in.

    The Abuser had a six pack of abs the entire time we dated. He ate like shit. Fast Food all of the time. Smoked a pack a day. His bloodwork came back worse than mine, and I was twice his size. Skinny doesn’t equate to happy and/or healthy any more than being fat equates to being ugly/unhealthy. They just aren’t synonymous with each other.

    Being happy with yourself is going to have to start from inside of yourself. Once you achieve that, you will find the rest that you’re looking for.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. For me, personally, I had/have to find a substantial way for me to feel full and not gain while doing it. Coupled with mental illness, it’s like playing Russian roulette on a daily basis. It’s not fun unless you find your (very) personal reasons. I know you can do it!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You have bigger problems to fix than your weight. It doesn’t matter if you get skinny and ‘hot’ at the moment. It’s not what makes you happy. You have to work on the other issues and the weight will come off, from your shoulders first then maybe your body.
    Regarding the health issues, a lot of overweight people are healthy, as you say. As long as you are aware of long term implications, like damage to the joints and that’s under control, don’t focus on this. Hugs.

    Like

    1. Thank you. I’ve been working a lot with healing from my past. But sometimes I feel like I’m just using it as an excuse to not lose weight. Sometimes I feel like everything is a psychosomatic reason for me not to succeed at anything. I have an inherent killswitch. Lol

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I deal with my yo-yo weight. Granted, it has never gone completely out of control but I feel that I can only lose it when I’m well. When I’m happy, I feel good about myself, I’m motivated to exercise and eat healthy. Maybe you feel the same. The weight loss will not bring you happiness but if you fix other things, it will be easier to get it off. 💖💙

        Liked by 1 person

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