When emotions feel like obstacles… All I ever do is ignore how I feel and keep going. Always putting others ahead of my feelings because I’m so terrified that no one will like me if I don’t.
I hide my life. I hide who i am. I hide how I feel.
Some days I want to explode and come clean, but I hide that too.
I don’t know how to stop hiding. I don’t know how to put me first. I don’t know how to feel all the pain and shame and just let it go because I don’t know how to feel.
I’m tired of people telling me that my life decisions are wrong. It’s a constant. And it’s a constant because I don’t speak up. I don’t tell people why I’m doing things. I let them believe that they know better. I let them believe that their opinion is of value to me. And sometimes I get so confused that I too believe their opinion is important.
People are so used to running all over me. To seeing me as a mess who keeps getting caught up in wrong decisions. And maybe it’s true. But I tried to make every decision a true decision.
I don’t know how to just live anymore.
My childhood has fused up every belief of myself that I have. It’s not just the self hate and the addiction and the low self esteem. It’s the people I choose to love. Its how I perceive love and friendship and loyalty and kindness. It’s every one of my relationships. It’s my career decisions. It’s whether I can ever be successful because of my beliefs of being inadequate and my fear of both failure and success. It determines whether I take risks or not. My ambition, determination and persistence. My willpower.
I could’ve been so much more if I didn’t have all the pain holding me down. My life could’ve been so different.
I don’t know how to change it. I’m too far down this road. This road of shame and self hate and a lack of authenticity.