Can I just be broken for now? 

When emotions feel like obstacles…  All I ever do is ignore how I feel and keep going. Always putting others ahead of my feelings because I’m so terrified that no one will like me if I don’t.

I hide my life. I hide who i am. I hide how I feel.

Some days I want to explode and come clean, but I hide that too.

I don’t know how to stop hiding. I don’t know how to put me first. I don’t know how to feel all the pain and shame and just let it go because I don’t know how to feel.

I’m tired of people telling me that my life decisions are wrong. It’s a constant. And it’s a constant because I don’t speak up. I don’t tell people why I’m doing things. I let them believe that they know better. I let them believe that their opinion is of value to me. And sometimes I get so confused that I too believe their opinion is important. 

People are so used to running all over me. To seeing me as a mess who keeps getting caught up in wrong decisions. And maybe it’s true. But I tried to make every decision a true decision.

I don’t know how to just live anymore. 

My childhood has fused up every belief of myself that I have. It’s not just the self hate and the addiction and the low self esteem.  It’s the people I choose to love. Its how I perceive love and friendship and loyalty and kindness. It’s every one of my relationships. It’s my career decisions.  It’s whether I can ever be successful because of my beliefs of being inadequate and my fear of both failure and success. It determines whether I take risks or not. My ambition, determination and persistence.  My willpower.

I could’ve been so much more if I didn’t have all the pain holding me down.  My life could’ve been so different.  

I don’t know how to change it. I’m too far down this road. This road of shame and self hate and a lack of authenticity. 

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2 thoughts on “Can I just be broken for now? 

  1. It’s hard, but you can change the way you think and see things. Can you do it 100%? Probably not. But you can do it the majority of the way. Once you start believing that you actually deserve something better than all of this (especially that cheating asshole boyfriend of yours), then you will take the steps to get what you want and what you deserve.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a tough one, for sure! Gawd knows that I struggle accepting that I am worth something more than what I have allowed myself. But sometimes in life, we just need to step a way a moment and take a look at things from outside of ourselves. Sometimes we beat ourselves up with a stick and we need to learn to leave that stick behind. It’s easier said than done, for sure, but I know there is hope…sometimes it’s just tough to see.

    Thankfully, there are wonderful people that provide support…
    ….you’ve done that for me on my posts. It reminds me there is still good in the world. 🙂

    Like

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