Looking back…

Do you ever feel like you can’t look back at your past without cringing? 

Trying to overcome the nagging memory of an unrequited love ten years ago, I searched for our email exchanges.  I couldn’t open one. The cringe attack was so severe that I couldn’t even read what I had written.

Even when I understand why I was hurt or why I reacted as I did.

It’s not just him. Letters I wrote to my first ex (prior to Mr unrequited) or her letters to me lie untouched in an envelope. As well as letters to my English teacher who i was quite obsessed with for two years. I never sent her the letters… But I can’t bring myself to face the truth of my past.

The repulsion is so severe that I have to walk away. Even if I try to talk myself through it and say you were young, you were extremely depressed and suicidal at the time… Or with Mr unrequited I tell myself that he had hurt me deeply and yes it took me three years to heal and yes I didn’t always make sense because I kept trying to bury my emotions instead of feeling them and they’d burst out in words that I sometimes chose to send. And yes both my teacher and Mr unrequited didn’t understand my emotions or bother to heal me out, which made me more emotional and made me suppress a deeper hurt…

But despite all that, I can’t read them. And I realise why… I realise why I can’t say the word fat in public, and why I go quiet when people talk about how they look, and why I keep putting on weight, and why I hide the fact from everyone that despite spending six months trying to leave my cheating ex, I am still with him (yes despite all the truth I’ve faced)…

The answer is shame.

I never thought I’d felt ashamed of who I am or who i was or the decisions I’ve made or who I’ve become…  but I figure thats at the centre of every torturous thought or reaction I have. It’s why I never stand up for myself or correct people when they say my name wrong.  It’s why I automatically don’t pursue people I think may be a good match for me.and mostly, it’s why I keep this blog anonymous. 

It goes hand in hand with guilt.  Guilt shame fear… It’s why I hold myself back. 

I assume it has to do with my childhood. My father who confused the way I thought of myself. And the resulting disorganised attachment patterns I continue as an adult. 

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6 thoughts on “Looking back…

  1. Hi, Shane is such a powerful emotion. It keeps us stuck in our past mistakes and from accepting ourselves in all of our glorious humanity. I am in the midst of an ugly divorce where my husband is moving in with a woman whom he’s been in a relationship with since October. I’ve been spending time examining my feelings and found this book – how to kill a narcissist. It is helping me look at my relationship with someone who could never fully love me and it talks in depth about how shame keeps us victimized. I hope you can find some peace and self live. Hugs and support!

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  2. Shame is awful. In order to improve things in your life, you have to admit there is a problem and you want to fix it. Shame will block the admission part, halting the whole healing.
    Stop being ashamed. Be proud of the person you are. Believe you deserve happiness. There’s no shame in having been mistreated. Who mistreated you should be ashamed.

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