Out of nowhere. Nothing tangible that triggered it.
I was fine one moment and then I was sinking and I felt everything turn grey. I felt my perception change. I felt my mind move into stagnant repetitive thought… Am I good enough? Does he love me? Does anyone love me? I’m tired of trying.
I don’t know what triggered it. I was sitting alone in my office, working or pretending to… And then bamn…
I don’t know what this is or what it means. Is it depression? Is it stress? Is it just normal?
I’ve been thinking about a guy a lot recently. A lot. An unrequited love. Memories of him still feel so clear despite me last seeing him 8 years ago… Or so. Maybe 7.
I was crazy about him. Stayed obsessed with him for four years. He wasn’t amazing. He wasn’t a million yards out of my league. I fell for him because I felt like we completed each other. We fitted like the perfect puzzle.
He once asked me why I liked him so much and, though not entirely romantic, I told him that we would be perfect together. He was a talker and I was a writer. He was a singer and I played guitar then. He was acting and I dreamt of being a director. In my mind, he completed me.
I guess he wanted sparks and romance and deep sexual desire. I remember the few times his look or touch sent sparks down my spine and between my legs, but it wasn’t my normal.
I don’t know why I’ve been suddenly thinking about him as much. He tore me to pieces. He hurt me so deeply that it made me lose trust in myself. And we’d never even kissed, never went out together, never held hands or even spoke about feelings.
What did he do?… He allowed a girl he liked access to his Facebook page. She pretended to be him and chatted to me. I guess I was an idiot to believe it but it went on for hours…. Days… And eventually I gave in. I didn’t believe he had any reason to not like me. To not want to be with me. In fact, most days I believed he did like me and didn’t want to act on it (we spent hours together every day and met up to study on public holidays… I didn’t spend that much time with my best friend. Plus he was all about mixed signals). On the third day he messaged to say it wasn’t him. I said ok and thought I’d just move on and pretend it hadn’t happened. But he didn’t change his password and the girl started updating Facebook statuses about me- things like ‘fredd likes tanga…. Not’. She messaged common friends about me and sent snippets of the convo. And one day he commented on a status saying the only way I’ll ever get a boyfriend is if I cover my face with both hands.
I was broken. I emailed him to get her to leave me alone and he told me that his life was much better without me. He told people I was a stalker. We did comedy together and he told all the comedy peeps that I must stay away from him.
We were never really friends again after that. Sometimes I’d catch him staring at me. Once or twice we bumped into each other again (both times a year apart) and we connected so effortlessly and so deeply that I couldn’t believe we weren’t friends.
There were many moments that felt as if it were written for a movie.
It took me almost two years to move on from the pain… To feel again… But I don’t think that wound ever truly healed. It reopened and grew septic every single time someone hurt me.
I don’t know why I’ve been thinking about him so much. Maybe my current bf reminds me of him. Maybe I’m terrified that I’ll just get hurt again. Maybe I’ll never feel good enough for another person again.