Day 2: who am I? Who have I been? Who do I want to be?

I was struggling with this a lot last year. Who am I?

The thing is,  who i have been is who people wanted or didn’t want me to be. I feel like a lot of my past interests were a result of me being impressionable or rebellious. 

On consideration, it all added to who i am. 

Describing myself in words is often difficult because I contradict myself alot or I’m just very versatile.  Feeling versatile made me feel like i didn’t actually have a personality but then I realised that if I added situations to the adjectives then I could definitely see that I wasnt just a contradiction or versatile or personality less.

So who am I?

I am the person who puts others first, when I can. I like being there for people. I like helping them. I am not a pushover because I choose to be there for only certain people.  I do stand my ground or cut people of if I feel they’re taking advantage of me or trying to control me. I can be Co dependent because I love feeling needed. However I also need people a lot but tend to not ask for help when I need it. I try to fight for what’s right. I will stand up to authority (even by writing a letter) when I feel a cause needs to be spoken for. I’ve done it in every job thus far, not always effectively. 

I love exploring and finding out new things as I am very curious about everything. But I like it with similar company and would prefer to be alone then hang on with people who don’t get me. I also like lying in bed and doing nothing but too much of it and I get tired and seek adventure.

I like being alone after a busy day or social event but I don’t like being alone for long periods of time as I start feeling depressed. I need people to socialise with, to have fun with and bounce ideas off. It energises me just as much as being alone. I care deeply about people so I choose who to let in. I can be a complete bitch to people I don’t care about. I’m not super friendly but I will be friendly if I am approached. I struggle to walk out of situations I am uncomfortable in. I struggle to stand up for my beliefs when someone is going on about there’s.  But I stand up for people I care about. 

I’m a problem solver. I always try to simplify issues and come up with ideas. I like being active but I’ve become very jaded and lazy and apathetic.  I find myself wallowing instead of being myself. Like I’m in a depressed state. 

I don’t socialise.  I don’t allow myself to be creative. I don’t explore or learn or question. I just exist.

Who i am to be?

I want to be a strong woman. Completely comfortable with who she is. Unconcerned with how others perceive her. Decisive. Who knows her mind and what she wants. Who doesn’t give in to bullies. Who got a positive outlook on life. Who’s successful and found her purpose. Who’s loved deeply by those close to her and most importantly by herself.  Who’s beautiful and radiant and amazing.  Who people regret losing. Who’s knowledgeable and fun and full of life and love. 

I guess that’s who i want to be. And who i am. And who i have been.

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