Day 1: what are my barriers 

I feel miserable.  This year feels like one obstacle after the other and it’s only March. Since the beginning of Feb I’ve been struggling with lower back pain and sciatica. After two chiropractic appointments and a physiotherapy session I started finally feeling better. Then bamn the next day I was down with the flu. Staying in bed and resting only messed up my back again.

I haven’t been able to gym for a month and a half. I’m still sick. Sore throat.  Congestion in my sinuses and chest.

I’m so over it. I’m over everything.  I feel so low. 

None of my jeans fit. If they do they’re torn.  I went to buy a new pair thats the same size and make of my old pair and it doesn’t fit. I’m wearing track pants to work now because I just feel so huge. I just keep putting on more weight. Even when I’m making healthier eating choices and drinking less.

I haven’t had time to start this challenge properly. It’s been hard trying to fit everything I want to do in a day. But here goes… Even though I’m in a super negative frame of mind.

I’ve been thinking about this and I feel my biggest barrier is that I don’t want people to know they were right… All those people who mocked me and called me fat or ugly or made me feel ashamed of my body… I don’t want them to win. 

I’ve always tried to hide how I feel about my body. Whenever I’d try to diet or lose weight, I’d hide it. I hate people commenting. I hate people knowing that I hate myself.

Three years ago when I lost a lot of weight (and below I put on twice that)  people made it such a big thing. They kept commenting on my body. And even though I’d lost the weight I ended up wanting to hide my body. I’d look at the mirror and only see how ugly I was. The self hate grew instead of falling off with the weight. 

I was 25kg less than i am now. Thinking of having to lose weight again to get back there feels like a barrier. I just want to give up. Why can’t I just be fat? Why can’t people leave me and my body alone? 

The other day my dad called to let me know there was a.sale at a clothing store. He added “they have big clothes that get really cheap”. Why couldn’t he just say clothes?

All my life, my body has always been a topic of conversation.  When thinner I was more popular and happy and more successful. I had more friends. When fatter I was more alone, more depressed with less friends. But it was never my success or lack thereof that was spoken about, it was my body.

Another barrier is that I feel completely jaded. I have no motivation to change ny situation.  I’ve given up. I don’t want to do anything.  I’m tired. I’m over this world and how things work. I’m over people. I’m over trying to better myself and still never being good enough. I’m over self help books and teaching myself new skills. Im over believing that I was ever meant for anything. I have no dreams. No ambitions. My heart doesn’t come alive with hope. I don’t believe life will ever get better.

I cry as I write this because I realise how true it all is.

As a child, my life was fantastic. I was amazing. People loved me. I was talented and full of life and dreams and intelligence. I danced on stages and at weddings. I had poetry and books published. I was entrepreneural and made money (unlike any of my peers). I wrote and directed a play. I was quick to learn at my job. All this before I was 17. Before 23 I’d also worked as a journo, I’d written and directed a short film and did stand up comedy.

Now I’m like an aged boxer. Retired. The best part of my life is over. I’m no longer a star.  I’m just an average person working in a corner office. I never meet people. I just stare at the grey walls and count the minutes until I get home again.

I’m my biggest barrier. Money too.

I really feel like i attract people to break me down. People just see me and feel they should burst my bubble and deflat my dreams and destroy my moments of happiness.

Yesterday I told a guy that I want to be rich. It’s the only thing I want. Not enough to make me do anything about it. Anyway he just went off at me. He said he doesn’t know why all women believe that,  if I’m not rich now then I’m never gonna be rich. He told me I was being unrealistic.

It took me back to the school guidance teacher when I was 16, “you can have your dreams but they have to be realistic”. 

I recently finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I hated it,  because I thought everything about dreams was hogwash.

I’m my own biggest barrier.

I care too much about how others think and feel then about myself. In turn I attract selfish people who only want to take from me but not care about me.

I don’t know how to change.

The last part of the challenge is to write about how you can work with your barriers… 

The truth is that I don’t know.  I just gotta fight passed myself somehow. Somehow… 

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2 thoughts on “Day 1: what are my barriers 

  1. Reading this was like reading my past, before I retrained my mind.

    A) Whatever you do with your body, you do it for you. If you want to gain another 15 pounds, then that’s what you do. If you want to lose 100 pounds, then do it. Easier said than done? Oh yeah. But I have found that when I stop setting goals for myself and stress myself out to the point of no return, it’s a lot easier to lose weight.

    B) People that love and accept you when you’re skinny, but not when you’re bigger are garbage and not worth your time. Your value and self-worth isn’t determined by numbers on a scale. Anyone that thinks that or makes you feel that way is a waste of your time.

    C) You are not fat. You HAVE fat. Truth be told, everyone has some kind of fat somewhere on their body. Unless they’re anorexic, and that in and of itself is another health issue on the other side of the spectrum.

    I’ve seen your pictures. You’re absolutely stunning. Are you a bigger girl? I guess by society standards you are. Bigger doesn’t equate to uglier, though. I’m a bigger girl and it has taken me a long time to accept myself for who I am. I know women that are half my size and smaller, but they are some of the ugliest souls I have ever encountered. I will take what I look like on the outside over who they are on the inside, any day.

    You gotta look at yourself in that dreaded mirror and say “this is who I am. Anyone that doesn’t like me just as I am can shove off to hell.” and go about your day. There are men out there (good men) that prefer women to be bigger. It’s a huge turn-on for them. My husband loves that I’m bigger than him (and he loves the big boobs that come with that). He told me if I want to lose weight, then go for it. If I don’t, then he loves me just as I am. But besides all of that, I had to learn to love me just as I am, first. Once you do that, the rest will fall into place.

    Like

    1. Thanks so much. You always know what to say and how to get me back on the right path. I feel we’ve experienced so much of the same things. It’s a pity we live so far away. I’d love to hang with you. Do coffee and a movie. Or a night dancing. It would be so much fun

      Liked by 1 person

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