Checking in

I’m sorry for not being very responsive or keeping up with everyone’s journals. I keep planning to but I’ve been feeling too stuck to offer any advice or write about myself. 

I’ve been feeling like I’m at the bottom of the barrel, stuck in the dark. I’m feeling so low and full of self hate that even regular gyming fails to offer any spark of happiness. 

I’m tired.

I screwed up the one interview I had in a year of applying for a new job.  I was too honest about my flaws and too insecure to sell myself as worthy even though I really wanted that job and really believed I could do it.

Financially I’m fuked. I thought I’d have a solution by now but there’s nothing.  I’ve just dug myself into more debt. I could get a cheaper place but property prices have increased drastically in the last three years and the only place I can afford ( which is a smidgen less than what I currently pay) is 4x smaller and either in some dodgy neighbourhood crazy far from work or a tiny shed at the back of someone’s house. And wherever I go I take my cat,  so a single room with no separations is problematic for my allergies. 

I’m tired. I see no possibilities. I’m all out of survival options. I just wanna give up.

Every day all I feel is constant self judgement followed by self hate. I can’t afford to continue seeing my therapist.  I just put new glasses on my credit card cos I’m out of medical aid and my period is ten days late. I know I’m not pregnant but I hope it’s not something serious that requires medical attention.

Yet another friend that I made is this city is leaving in a month. I’ve never felt lonlier.

I have lost weight this year and I realised I’ve been at my heaviest for a year and a half without attempting to change things.

I see my family this week and again in less than a month and again in the following month and it’s stressing me out on a emotional health level.  I feel stressed and guilty and full of self critism and hatred and complete dissatisfaction with my life and path and who i am. 

I feel useless in every way possible.  And I know I’m just complaining and focusing on the negative but it’s how I’ve been feeling for weeks. I’ve tried exercise and vitamins and positive self talk but I keep slipping. And hiding how I really feel makes it all worse.  Trying to keep up face feels unbearable today,  even though I do a good job of it all the time.

I just want a break. A miracle. A saviour.  Something. Anything. Because failing this leaves me only one choice- to move back home.

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4 thoughts on “Checking in

  1. I can relate to an awful lot of this: the frustration, feeling judged, having no options. It’s a horrid thing, more so than ever thanks to the stupid holidays and the election result.

    Like

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