Home and self hatred

I returned from home last night. Less than 12 hours into my trip and I felt a deep self hatred. Self created. 

I felt ugly and stupid and *insert every negative word here*. I also felt a deep guilt for deviating from my culture. I felt tainted. I felt like a lie. 

I stood up for myself in situations only to be made aware that I do the same thing. I thought I was being strong but turned out I was just as obnoxious. 

I wanted to buy hangers there cos I’d convinced myself it was cheaper there and easier. I found a great deal on them… But then ended up paying double it because my luggage was overweight. 

I feel dumb. 

My brother mocked me as I struggled to carry my bag and when I went to pay for the extra load. Not in any explicit way. Just a snide, it’s two days why is your bag so big… (I’d swopped my medium bag for my parents larger one to fit in everything). When my mum mentioned the hangers, his response was “you’re kidding me”.

All the new clothes I’d bought and wanted to show off felt tight and uncomfortable and revealing. Again I felt stupid. All that shopping and returning and over spending. To feel better about myself… And all I wanted to do was hide. But the one thing you can never hide is weight gain. It’s there. Your biggest insecurity for the world to see.

No one really picked on my weight explicitly. My dad mentioned I need to lose weight, my sister mumbled something. It mostly came from me. I needed some reassurance that I didn’t look as ugly as I felt… And when I didnt receive it from anyone, I started hating me. Asking for compliments also made things worse.

Then I get home and I realise I’m broke for this month. I have just enough for the bare necessities. As I calculate my budget and realise that I can make it through the month… Bamn, two speeding tickets in my post box and I forgot to calculate my electricity… And it’s out.

I feel like a complete failure. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this self loathing and need for approval. I’m broken.

I just feel massive and ugly and poor and broken and unlovable and a failure. 

While home I also read about a writer whos published three best sellers and is two years younger than me. Another dream I couldn’t accomplish. Another goal I’ll never reach.

I think my self loathing is just too deep. The therapy wasn’t working.

For the next five months I’m seeing my family every month… Great. I don’t think I can deal.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Home and self hatred

  1. Hang in there! Don’t give up!
    I wanted to write and I am writing. It is not a bestseller (it’s free) and might never be but it helps me in ways I can’t even describe. Try writing. Just for you. See the story on your screen, fall in love with the characters. It is great therapy!

    Like

  2. Just take a deep breath and breathe! I’m in the same position so I understand I’m filled with self loathing but it never helps your situation does it ? So grief, wherever you need to do to rid of that dead depressing feeling. If you have pain then you’ll need to release all that pain and be confident about it. The one thing I learned is I’ll always retreat because I’m afraid of the pain. I’m afraid of the failure. But you just have to push through once you push through its okay because you survived. You’re still alive. I know it’s repetitive and I remember asking myself why am I having to repeat all this again as I’ve conquered my fears once upon a time ago. It’s because my fears creep up and I allowed it to overtake me.

    Like

  3. Everyone struggles everyone feels inadequate. You are doing your best. You are alive and you are strong. You are your own worst enemy and don’t beat yourself up about how you look. I struggle with soothing my emotions and depression and anxiety with food, but I allow myself to feel adequate and enough big or small because I’m the only one who’s gonna take care of me and if pizza makes me feel better then I’m going to eat some pizza. Love!!!

    Like

  4. Keep pushing girl. Family can be some of the most toxic people in our lives. Just remember that you are independent, and the only approval you need is yours. Keep fighting, keep going, and remember that you are beautiful.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s