Yoga and self hate vs self acceptance

When I started yoga and pilates three weeks ago, I was positive and enthusiastic.  I was kind to myself and impressed with what my body was capable of doing. I felt focused and great. I complimented myself on keeping up. I was grateful that I had started.

When I went home I felt excited and fresh and fulfilled.  My soul had been stretched out, my heart cleansed. I couldn’t wait for the next class. 

At the next class, I felt the same. Clear minded, clear goaled and unstoppable. 

I’ve often heard people say just go and do it and you’ll feel better. You’re feeling down? Your energys low? Stop wallowing and just go out there. You aren’t depressed, you’re just focused on the negative.

Today, I tried it. I just went out there. I thought it would shake off the blues and clear my mind once more.

Instead it was hell. My mind wouldn’t stop. I tried to meditate and focus on my breath but suddenly, in the class, every reason I should hate myself became louder and more apparent.

I tried listening to her visualisations about self love and focusing on my breath. But the angry critic inside me was louder,  stronger and I started counting down the seconds for the class to end so that I could go home, lie in bed and cry.   

Every time my foot cramped or my arms couldn’t stretch as far back or my legs couldn’t hold a pose…. My mind printed it out to me. Just seeing myself in the mirror… Seeing how far I’d let myself go… Realising how stupid I am to join a class of skinny able people when I am not.

It was the longest hour inside my head,  because I chose to deal with it in public.

My conclusion,  you can’t distract yourself from a low. You can’t push it aside and pretend it doesn’t exist. You can’t tell yourself just focus on the positive. 

You need to ride it out. Feel the hurt. Allow yourself to cry. Be alone.

Not for too long. But just long enough to refind your light and your strength. 

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2 thoughts on “Yoga and self hate vs self acceptance

  1. I’ve often said this and today I am feeling the same…I feel that there is a need to just allow the waves of depression to ride over you…because they will and there is nothing you can do but wait it out.

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