It’s been a hard week. Really hard. I reverted to my low energy, self hating, exercise avoiding version of me. Which resulted in a lot of comfort eating to soothe the pain.
I’m unsure what caused it. My period. My dread of going home for the weekend next week, still massively overweight and still pretty much a failure or whether it was the work I’ve been doing on myself… Revisiting my past.
I’ve been fragile and sensitive and almost always on the brink of tears. Everything that I had been doing stopped. I stopped reading, stopped exercising, stopped trying to look pretty when getting ready for work, stopped cooking…. I stopped saying it’s not me, it’s them. I once again internalised things said and done to me… Believing it instead of standing up for myself.. Changing me because I was suddenly aware that my actions were judged.
It’s not like something kicked me down.
I didn’t feel sad. There was no cause. I just wanted to hide, bored at work… Avoiding work.
Today I felt a burst of Energy. I greeted people cheerfully, pushed around work to pretend I was working… And then someone said something that wasn’t true and though the decision I had made was right at the time, I felt bad about what I did. And how i felt was invalidated. All the energy I’d felt as I changed to go to gym disappeared in a second.
I skipped walking but my yoga class is in ten min and I just want to go home. I haven’t been all week and it’s paid per class.
I just wish I was different. I wish I wasnt me. I wish I at least weighed under 80kg so that I didn’t have to ask about weight restrictions when I wanted to buy a ticket to some activity… I wish I didn’t have to worry about what to wear or whether a shop would have clothes that fitted me or whether people would judge how I look…
I searched self hate on pinterest and there were so many people who felt the same. Who smile and say they’re ok bug the moment the door closes they fall apart.
There’s so much self hate and depression in the world….
I’m just in a dark space right now. I’ll crawl out of it.