I did a parkrun this morning. Walked. The first 2km were a nightmare. My calves cramped, my shins burned. The next 2 were hard but I picked up speed, getting ahead of my friends who i initially struggled to keep up with. I repeated “I am strong. I am fast. I am going to finish this”. The last km I felt myself slowly give up. My friends passed me again. I slowed. And then right at the end I joined them.
Afterwards I was fine but beat. I went to my therapy session, a little light headed. I talked a lot. Motor mouthed. A lot more than i usually do. I just had a breakthrough about something but I’ll keep that for my next post.
Later when I got home, I just felt tired. Exhausted. But I couldn’t sleep. 2 hours later I decided to order take out. Subconsciously I just wanted energy and to stop feeling so tired.
I bought chicken and palak paneer. It’s a cold day and the chicken was so good, before I knew it I had finished the 1/2 chicken that I bought even though I intended to save it.
I always knew I was an emotional eater but in that moment I felt really happy. Everything else melted away. It felt like true love. All that existed in the moment was me and that chicken. The warm juiciness sliding down my throat.
There was no off switch. No voice saying stop you are full. I could eat and eat and eat and… Ok eventually I’d have to stop.
Food fills that emptiness in a way nothing else in the world does. Not sex, not shopping, not bad relationships, not alcohol… It’s my addiction.
Dieting and eating healthy always feel like I’m depriving myself of happiness. Of warm deliciousness making love to my insides. As I lose weight, my self hatred deepens. I look at the mirror and just hate myself more and more, even though I’m thinner.
Ironically, being fat, I can feel more self love than when I try to lose weight. It’s probably denial. In my head, I don’t think I’m that fat but in reality I just get bigger and bigger.
I’m now 105.8kg. Which is 233.25pounds.
I go home in two weeks for diwali and I’m dreading the judgement from the extended friends and family. Just another year for me to show everyone that I haven’t lost any weight and put on more instead.