So in my session today, I feel I had a breakthrough in regard to one aspect of my health. I need a neurologist to confirm this, but for now Google will do.
It came while mentioning the flashback I had last night about my dirty underwear. I can’t remember when it happened but I’m certain it was in primary school. If it was later than my breakthrough is void. But let’s assume it was before age 13.
In the first week of high school, age 13, I was diagnosed with epilepsy following two (if not three) seizures. I don’t remember them in order right now, but the one before I was diagnosed happened in a movie theatre while watching stigmata.
It was the scene where a girl was taking a bath and a bird flies. I blacked out and peed in my pants. I can’t remember what happened after but my friends told my parents what happened. My muscles tensed and I shook.
My mum had witnessed it as well. There was a time were I just started fainting off for little things… Most of the time relating to me being hurt and bleeding; blood; or hearing a story that deals with blood.
I was put on lamictin but it didn’t seem to stop the seizures. Then I was put on topamax (also an anti depressant) and it helped. Later when I started to self harm and became depressed, topamax was blamed for having adverse side effects and it was stopped.
Initially being epileptic affected me deeply. I isolated myself, had no friends, put on weight, became extremely self conscious… The doctor never found a cause of my epilepsy but I assumed it was stress related. There were a few situations where I didn’t fear the seizure before it happened, I just lost consciousness. The fact that there was no real cause made my parents stop me from doing anything that could me in harm, for example swimming which at the time was the one thing I really loved. But I too was scared that it could happen at any time. When it stopped, I was terrified that it would randomly come back someday while driving or swimming.
Three years ago, I started cutting myself again. I had ‘seizures’ twice, both after I had been hurt and bleeding. I felt like I was experiencing auras again and I was afraid of having a seizure while driving especially since I had stopped my meds in 2010 (by neglect) and in 2012 (after my Dr told me that taking the pills irregularly was more harmful).
I went back to see the dr and he told me it sounded more like a blood phobia. The ‘auras’ continued but I somehow managed to control it. Breathing, opening windows, pinching myself, changing my thoughts…
In the session today, my realisation was that I don’t have epilepsy or a blood phobia. I had disassociative seizures related to fear and depression. It was fear. And three years ago that deep childhood fear returned with how my ex treated me. He took me to my most broken corner.
I don’t remember when the driving auras stopped. At one point it was every day driving home at this certain spot where I’d once had a little bumper collision. I know last December I felt it driving both my parents around for the first time. I actually got out and let my dad drive.
It feels like a breakthrough because fear is something controllable. It’s something I can talk myself out of. It’s not a illness nor a prehistoric impulse.
It’s just me being afraid.