I’m starting to feel a little more confident. The voice in my head still spews self hate at me… Especially now when I have an upper respiratory infection but trying to live at 100% (that is wake up, clean, gym, cook).
I had a good day yesterday. I went for my sti test. Usually I’m a nervous wreck before the test. I was nervous. I was freaking out. But I contained it.
When I walked into the room, I felt the deep anxiety and dizziness as usual. I thought about asking her if I could lie on the bed like I had every time before. I didn’t. As I told her about my blood phobia and my tendency to faint… I just felt calm. I looked away but I kept chatting to her.
We connected. I felt like it had been a while since I had connected with a stranger and it felt great. We chatted about random things. I told her about my mum, she mentioned her son. It felt like the tests we by the way. I even took off my clothes in front of her, bold, unashamedly. It’s as if an openness was created.
All my tests were fine. But strangely enough, I wasn’t concerned about them.
The last thing we spoke about, ironically while my legs were in the air and I was getting a pap smear (that always hurts), was about a little girl that she had found on the streets.
Her mother was a drunk, dating a taxi driver who took her mother’s money and raped her. At 14, she was the oldest and took it upon herself to find money… By prostituting herself. The nurse could see she had an sti and brought her in and tested her. She was hiv positive. At 14, she had seen the worst of humanity.
While listening to the story, I felt myself want to change the lives of children who went through such hardships. To give them hope. I’d always had a dream of one day getting into teaching just so I can help the youth… Be there for them in a way I wished someone was there for me when my life was falling apart.
On the drive home, I got a call from my old boss about a job. A job I never thought existed… In an ngo that dealt with all these things – gender equality, hiv education, health….
I haven’t applied yet because I’m gathering all my information. But I’m so excited. It feels like a cloud is lifting. As if there’s finally a light after two years of not knowing what comes next.
I’m slowly refinding myself. On Tuesday I did three different myers and briggs questionnaires. I got enfp and isfp.
The weird thing is that both personalities are really similar. I’m going through the profiles and highlighting things that feel like me so that I can change the dialog in my head.
Because I need to make the decision. I realised that people can love me completely. They can tell me how amazing I am and show me how much they enjoy my time but I never feel like I an worthy of it. Only I can change that.