I don’t know how to feel. I’m confused.
As I’d mentioned, my previous session with my therapist left me feeling unsatisfied. They’d basically told me that i had nothing to fix.
I’m insecure but I just need to put myself out there and slowly give myself a voice again. That I am me and I should not try to be anyone else. I should just do me.
Hearing that made me feel uneasy. I understand that I have deep insecurities and wounds to work through. But to just be me. Do me. When I don’t know who i am.
I partly felt like my emotions about how I feel in regard to my identity had been invalidated. But what would validating them mean? That my father screwed me up.
There’s a lot of emotion there. Yesterday I looked through photos of my siblings and I as kids and I felt detached. I felt like it was a facade. I had a moment making a collage for my brother, I wondered what if these photos evoke a negative feeling in my brother.
I was 5 and 7 years younger than my brother and sister respectively. Through my eyes, it didn’t seem all that bad. It didn’t make sense. But I was often told that I was the lucky one. I escaped all my mum and dads beatings. There’s only two or three moments where I remember getting smacked. The last time my mum had hit me so hard that my thighs had two massive blue marks. I naively showed them off proudly boasting about how hard my mum had smacked me. I told them I bruise easily. I didn’t sense the guilt my mum felt. But looking back I know she regretted it so deeply that it forever changed her reaction to things.
Because, after that I had just got worse. I started failing, lied about what I was studying, made her drive around to do things for some chick who dropped me like a hot potato…
In all this confusion and pain, I agreed to go to a counselling session with my ex. It was going well, we were talking and connecting and then I felt myself disconnect. I felt like I was being blamed for everything that went wrong by both him and the therapists.
Yes I was incredibly insecure.
Yes I had my inner child feeling abandoned every time he stepped out.
Yes I reacted and said harsh things and threw my toys around in those moments that I felt fearful and sad and believed that I was gonna lose him.
Yes I went through his phone
Yes I told his sister that he had lied to me about everything important in the relationship. (note she was the one who started getting involved in our relationship in January, asking me to talk to her and then telling him that I’m emotionally manipulative and bullying him to be in a relationship)
Yes I told the chick he was flirting with that he had still been with me while flirting with her and she could have him.
Yes I tried talking to the chick he was flirting with in jan. I never fought with her. I tried talking to her politely and she lost the plot.
Yes I did expect a lot. Yes I hadn’t been in a relationship before and I didn’t know what a real relationship was like and so assumed things to be all rom com ish.
Yes I have no friends here in this town.
Yes I didn’t tell my family I was seeing someone.
But none of this absolves him from all responsibility in the relationship.
I felt this general lean to him being positive and that’s great and the lean to me being that I must change.
I must work on my insecurities.
I must be less demanding when it comes to him cancelling plans we made a week if not a month in advance. I must accommodate his friends making plans half an hour before our plan. I must face my fear and just join them. I must put myself into his circle even if his family and friends and him ignore me and speak in their mother tongue the whole time. Yes they said that if a new plan comes up that he must reschedule in a day or two. But again I must compromise and be more flexible and sociable and less insecure.
One of the therapists even said that him withdrawing and walking away in a fight was a good thing. And I said not the way in which he does it. Because he’d yell and instigate the fight and he gets me riled up and when I’m yelling back thats when he decides to walk out. Usually saying he’s done. And in that emotional state I’m meant to rationally believe he’ll come back. But still it was my fears and insecurities that were the problem.
He got called the pacifier but it’s not true. In all our fights I’ve probably started 3 out of a 100. He has anger issues. He starts yelling and screaming and throwing his toys around.
There was a moment when he said that he was rational of he couldn’t get hold of me. But he lefte voicemails yelling at me when I didnt answer my phone.
I felt that every time i tried to say no, that’s not how it happened. They just responded with a they’re not here to take sides and that every issue has two sides to it.
They also suggested that I just tell my parents. With one therapist saying “look at him, what won’t they love about him?”
And then there were the things he said.
First he described his dad and in my head I thought ah that all makes sense. He described his dad as a breaker of promises, a disappointment, couldn’t communicate. He’d also cheated on his mum and divorced her.
But then he said that when I criticise him, he feels that frustration and disappointment and it causes him to want to prove me right. Rather be yelled at for what he did then what he didn’t.
He also said that his sister asked him why he’d want to be with me if he was so happy. That I’d accused him and said horrible things about him to her. But in reality, he’d never painted a great picture of me to her. For her to jump to the idea that I’m emotionally manipulative and bullying him into a relationship. For her to think that he’s never happy with me. For her to assume that I broke up with him because they wouldn’t move in with me… That all comes from him. It’s all the shit he’s said about me to her. On the one day we hung out she told me that i was fun and she still wants to hang out with me.
So in other words, me feeling like this chick was causing problems in the relationship and saying she’s an issue made him go and fuck her and continue talking to her.
There’s so many layers of pain. I just don’t feel like anyone is hearing me.