Childhood idols

I was meant to go see one of my childhood idols tonight. But suddenly i just don’t want to.

Shes launching a book 5 min away from where i work. I’ve been trying to meet up with her for two years ever since she called me up one day offering me a job.

I didn’t take the job. She left before I got there.  Without her there, I didn’t want the job 

But suddenly, sitting here, I just don’t want to meet her anymore.  I don’t care.  As if in my heart it clicked, she was never my idol. 

Thinking about it, I realise, she never was. None of them were. They are all linked to someone else.

This idol was actually my English teachers idol. A woman I obsessed over. Who told me she wanted nothing to do with my life (her exact words) after I  confided in her about my depression.  I stalked her for a while after that. Wrote her letters that I never sent to her. I’d imagine seeing her again someday and understanding how she just cut me off. A teacher who once called me her child. Who bragged about me.

It sounds insane.

It was another rejection.  Another abandonment.  And somehow I hung on to her idols without realising they weren’t mine. I loved them because she loved them. One of whom I met and called my inspiration just three weeks ago.

I feel like i am rebuilding myself. Becoming aware of my past and it’s implications on my present. Understanding myself.

I’ve been looking at things objectively for the first time ever. Without trying to work out what was wrong with me. Without wondering why they treated me like that. 

Now and then I have those moments and I pull back. 

I feel like someone new. I haven’t changed. But I feel like things are shifting inside me. 

There’s less self pity in my reflections.  

But now I need to realise me. My heart. My passions. My dreams. My idols. My needs.

I need to live life with authenticity. Be in complete touch with myself.

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