I slept with the ex.
We had a sort of argument yesterday afternoon while at work. Him saying blah blah blah, me saying blah blah blah.
He called at 5 saying he’s coming over to talk. He didn’t ask. I should have said no. Or i should have said let’s meet somewhere else. At the time I didn’t think things through.
I went home and decided that when he comes we’d go out together and get supper and then he can go home from there. But he got to my place an hour later than I had anticipated.
I feel like I’m coming up with excuses for sleeping with him… But it really wasn’t my intention. Plus I wanted to get my sti test and you can’t have sex for a certain period before that.
It was raining. When he came over he was.soaked. I felt bad and told him to go shower and warm up and I’ll get food. I get home, I’m putting groceries in the fridge and he comes into the kitchen with just a towel. I ignore it and just keep packing stuff.
He takes the groceries out of my hands and motions me to the bedroom. I should have stopped but the familiarity of his touch made me weak.
The sex was average. But it was still better than everyone else. He stayed the night. His chest immediately comfortable.
To be honest, it felt like a tension reliever. After we slept together I just stopped stressing. I stopped obsessing about him. I immediately felt this focus onto me.
I was still same caring me to him. We didn’t talk about a future or what this means.
The stuff that he had come over to stay didnt move me or mean anything to me. It was some bs about his colleagues and team leaders giving him advice and how they weren’t convinced that he was over me. And some other bs about how therapy won’t help.
He did say something that I realised is actually quite a massive problem in my life. My family. I love them to bits but I have never felt accepted by them as I am. I always had to be better or someone else. And a lot of my identity and low self esteem issues come from that.
He said that whenever I came from home I’d put those emotions on me. I usually was depressed after a trip home. And I love every one of my family. And I understand every one of them. And I forgive them.of all the hurt. But it never stops hurting.
In all honesty, I was as uncommitted in the relationship as he was. Maybe he actually tried in the beginning but in my head he was a pastime until I met a guy my parents would approve of. I’m sure he felt that. After seeing my parents I’d immediately push him away because he didn’t fit into that life. He fitted into my brokenness. Into my pain. He was my light but I got lost in his dark.
The thing is, I’ve never felt like I’d fit in with the type of person my parents would approve of. I don’t feel it’s me. I’ve become so detached from me. Most days I don’t know who i am.
So I’m confused. I probably wasn’t that good to him. I did things cos I felt I had to rather than out of love. I stayed because he made life less painful. And maybe he felt that he was an option to me too. It’s not something you can hide.
Initially I beat myself up for sleeping with him. In my head I imagined him coming with flowers and chocolates and a confession of true love. Hollywood style. I knew he’d be empty handed. What did I expect?
I thought maybe he wanted to tell me that he realised what he had lost. But that wasn’t it either. He told me that him coming to me was him making an effort. At one point I believed it in the relationship. I respected his hardships and what it meant. Now I don’t care. There was a moment where I wanted to hear something worth hearing… Just to know that it wasn’t just for sex. That it was for me… But I didn’t really. I also.found myself talking about other guys a lot. Not to make him jealous. Just things. Like how this guy at work mocked me about my boss liking me because I have a killer ass.
He also asked about a ring I was wearing. My sister had bought it for me the weekend he was arrested. For some reason I feel like it protects me. He assumed Darcy had bought it for me and made a comment about men buying me jewellery. I let him go with it. He knew me well enough to know that I would never have bought it for myself. Ever.
For a moment last night, at my lowest when I realised he probably came over for sex and got it and it was purely something easy and convenient for him because I’m easy and convenient and he knows exactly how to seduce me… At that point, I felt myself shrink into self hatred.
But this morning I realised, shit happens. I had a good night. And now I can refocus. Like an addiction. You try to give up. The withdrawal symptoms kick in and make you feel super weak. And then you have a fix and you think damn…. That’s destructive. And then you start over.
Focus on myself.
I just joined the park run thing with a colleague. So every weekend we walk 5 km on a sat morning.
But ya… I got a lot to work out. With myself. My own issues.