Ground zero

I slept with the ex.

We had a sort of argument yesterday afternoon while at work. Him saying blah blah blah, me saying blah blah blah. 

He called at 5 saying he’s coming over to talk. He didn’t ask. I should have said no. Or i should have said let’s meet somewhere else. At the time I didn’t think things through.

I went home and decided that when he comes we’d go out together and get supper and then he can go home from there. But he got to my place an hour later than I had anticipated.

I feel like I’m coming up with excuses for sleeping with him… But it really wasn’t my intention.  Plus I wanted to get my sti test and you can’t have sex for a certain period before that.

It was raining. When he came over he was.soaked. I felt bad and told him to go shower and warm up and I’ll get food. I get home, I’m putting groceries in the fridge and he comes into the kitchen with just a towel. I ignore it and just keep packing stuff. 

He takes the groceries out of my hands and motions me to the bedroom.  I should have stopped but the familiarity of his touch made me weak.

The sex was average. But it was still better than everyone else. He stayed the night. His chest immediately comfortable. 

To be honest, it felt like a tension reliever. After we slept together I just stopped stressing.  I stopped obsessing about him. I immediately felt this focus onto me.

I was still same caring me to him. We didn’t talk about a future or what this means.

The stuff that he had come over to stay didnt move me or mean anything to me. It was some bs about his colleagues and team leaders giving him advice and how they weren’t convinced that he was over me. And some other bs about how therapy won’t help.

He did say something that I realised is actually quite a massive problem in my life. My family.  I love them to bits but I have never felt accepted by them as I am. I always had to be better or someone else. And a lot of my identity and low self esteem issues come from that.

He said that whenever I came from home I’d put those emotions on me. I usually was depressed after a trip home. And I love every one of my family. And I understand every one of them. And I forgive them.of all the hurt. But it never stops hurting. 

In all honesty, I was as uncommitted in the relationship as he was. Maybe he actually tried in the beginning but in my head he was a pastime until I met a guy my parents would approve of. I’m sure he felt that.  After seeing my parents I’d immediately push him away because he didn’t fit into that life. He fitted into my brokenness. Into my pain.  He was my light but I got lost in his dark. 

The thing is, I’ve never felt like I’d fit in with the type of person my parents would approve of. I don’t feel it’s me. I’ve become so detached from me. Most days I don’t know who i am.

So I’m confused. I probably wasn’t that good to him. I did things cos I felt I had to rather than out of love. I stayed because he made life less painful. And maybe he felt that he was an option to me too. It’s not something you can hide.

Initially I beat myself up for sleeping with him. In my head I imagined him coming with flowers and chocolates and a confession of true love. Hollywood style. I knew he’d be empty handed. What did I expect?

I thought maybe he wanted to tell me that he realised what he had lost.  But that wasn’t it either. He told me that him coming to me was him making an effort. At one point I believed it in the relationship.  I respected his hardships and what it meant. Now I don’t care. There was a moment where I wanted to hear something worth hearing… Just to know that it wasn’t just for sex. That it was for me… But I didn’t really. I also.found myself talking about other guys a lot. Not to make him jealous. Just things. Like how this guy at work mocked me about my boss liking me because I have a killer ass. 

He also asked about a ring I was wearing. My sister had bought it for me the weekend he was arrested. For some reason I feel like it protects me. He assumed Darcy had bought it for me and made a comment about men buying me jewellery. I let him go with it. He knew me well enough to know that I would never have bought it for myself.  Ever.

For a moment last night, at my lowest when I realised he probably came over for sex and got it and it was purely something easy and convenient for him because I’m easy and convenient and he knows exactly how to seduce me… At that point, I felt myself shrink into self hatred. 

But this morning I realised,  shit happens. I had a good night. And now I can refocus. Like an addiction. You try to give up. The withdrawal symptoms kick in and make you feel super weak. And then you have a fix and you think damn…. That’s destructive. And then you start over.

Don’t pursue.

Focus on myself.

I just joined the park run thing with a colleague.  So every weekend we walk 5 km on a sat morning. 

But ya… I got a lot to work out. With myself. My own issues. 

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9 thoughts on “Ground zero

  1. I think what you say here is incredibly honest – circumspect and true. #instantfan #newreader

    I can relate. Don’t wait too long to please your parents, or you might end up as old as me and not yet married.

    p.s. I’m having the same problem with my ex. The problem is – the less we see each other – and the more the relationship slips away – the hotter the sex is. She comes by my house and it is so hard to resist. Two days ago she came by to drop something off and we fucked for over an hour… and all the “stops” come off because we’ve nothing more to lose and time might be running out to do it… It’s hard enough to break free – doesn’t help with insane sex being dangled in your face while you try to move on.

    I like your approach – concerned but realistic.

    Like

  2. I wish I could punch him in the face. He’s manipulating you. He knows how to do it, and he’s good at it. Plus there’s the whole thing of him being a drug addict. I don’t know what the laws are like there in regard to cocaine and things, but if the cops raid a house in the states and they find drugs, everyone in the house is going to jail, regardless if you do them or not.

    And any person that tells you that therapy won’t help, is a manipulative, selfish, asshole. They don’t want you to get help because they are scared that you’re finally going to see the light and kick them to the curb. I wish I could turn loose on him. He’d hate himself more than he already does.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dividinduplife (which by the way: 👏💪) took care of the “him” part so I won’t even comment about it because frankly- he’s not at fault. We know who he is and what he does: users gonna use. Abusers gonna abuse. Not exactly Breaking News. Me? Girl, I’m gonna call you on the “I didn’t mean it, I didn’t plan it” BS LOL
    Hmm, not sure who you are trying to convince with that, I for one am not buying it. It is exactly what you’ve been hoping for from the get go, it’s been on almost every single post. Even as you’ve been demoted from girlfriend to pseudo-friend with benefits (he is not your friend), you are on board, in fact, you are eager. In behavior modification you reward good behavior to change/train against aberrant behavior. You’ve taught him well that he has no boundaries with you and that your words mean NOTHING. NADA. How does this not have an impact on you? How is your Word that cheap in value? That’s the most sacred thing we have! Our Word is what protects us! When he destroys you again (very soon) and eventually leaves for good (because at the end of the day a woman’s self respect and Word is important, even to bastards) you will have let him loose to wander around to the next victim, another woman to abuse, expecting to again get away with it, because that is what you taught him about all women- and that, right there, is to me the greatest tragedy. You named your post “ground zero” but the truth is that you’ve stopped fighting for yourself. You’re not even on the board now. Welcome back stress, low self esteem, weight gain and depression because that man is gonna keep sucking the life and essence out of you, and to readers like me, you’ve lost all credibility next time you cry over him. Today I absolve him from fault- it’s all on you. Yes yes my words are true, that’s why they seem harsh. They are not. They are your reality, and I’m terribly sorry for that (no), I’m hoping one day you will remember that this bigger than you think. At least acknowledge to your readers the truth, they don’t deserve to be snowed: that this is exactly where you want to be.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is indeed, some very harsh truth. As individuals, we are all in control of our outcome when it comes to personal choice. Answers like “Don’t touch me.” , “Go put some clothes on.” “I’m not answering the door if he knocks.” …. these were all in the realm of possibilities to happen, and the outcome would have been vastly different than what happened here.

      With that being said – through actions alone, it would seem that you did want these things to happen, and so they did. And by them happening, he knows that he still has the upper hand on you, he can still walk all over you, and he is going to do exactly what he did before, and probably to a harsher degree … because these things don’t get better, they only progress with time. It is evident that you have not yet hit rock bottom with this relationship, otherwise there wouldn’t be any room for friendship or otherwise – not immediately anyway. He had made sure to remind you that your family doesn’t support your choices, as if to absolve himself from what he has done to you. He has made sure to point out that therapy is a bad idea.

      He isn’t going to ever tell you that he has realized what he has lost, because he doesn’t have to. You don’t require that kind of admission from him in order for him to get exactly what he wants from you. You are in every sense of the word, addicted to him. And your allowance of the way he treats you, is going to be your biggest downfall.

      Like

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