I felt really low yesterday. Confused. Sensitive. I’ve been taking things personally recently. At work. In life. And it’s been making me feel emotional and flat. A feeling I didn’t have represented with my shrink. How I feel when I don’t fight and take things on/in.
I’ve been looking at the mirror concept all wrong. It happened after a friend who had been cheated on twisted it to where she had been cheating herself. And that angered me because how can someone cheating on me be a mirror.
I realised the mirror is the other way. It’s when I have issues with someone or love something about someone that it is a reflection of me.
For instance Darcy has been highly persistent. I’ll ask him for a moment and he’ll bombard me with messages and when I don’t respond, he takes it personally. As I am annoyed with him or angry or upset.
But it was never about him. And thats something I did a lot with my exes. Growing up I was usually alone and didn’t have friends and I took things personally when someone didn’t want to spend time with me. I was also teased a lot. Told I was annoying or my laugh was too high pitched or my voice was squeaky or i was too confident. And in my head I put the two together. I was alone because I was annoying and over confident and my voice was squeaky and my laugh high pitched.
I never shook off that hurt. I shrunk under it. And now if my boss yells at me or a writer messes up my script or someone ignores me, my inner child freaks out.
In movies I often love characters I’m most like.. Only I don’t see those qualities about myself. I want to be more like them without realising they’re actually a lot like me.
I can see it with my ex. How things that bugged me about him were reflections of myself. And the things I loved most about him were also reflections of me.
But there’s two people I don’t understand.
My flatmate: she annoyed me a lot. It got to a point where she’d say hi and I’d feel angry. I found her hypocritical, judgemental, uncaring and passive aggressive. She often tried to change me because of her beliefs and put down my dreams. Such as telling me not to write on my hand and sending me articles on how to wake up early and be productive. I never felt accepted by her.
I don’t see myself as any of those things. Maybe I was that when I was younger. I used to be more self absorbed and passive aggressive cos I hated confrontation.
Maybe with my ex I was judgemental of his addictions and that made me hypocritical because I had my own addictions that i battled with. But I recognised it and thought it through and though his drinking or drug use would sometimes be a trigger for me, i would understand it in my moment of reflection and I tried to accept him as he was.
With strangers I can be very uncaring and passive aggressive. Especially beggars. There’s just so many that when you’re struggling at the end of the month it’s hard to look at someone with nothing judging you for having a car.
The other person is a colleague. I find her pretentious and feel like she used me to get ahead. Writing that, I feel like there are instances people would feel that about me. But I’m more cautious. I don’t attach to people easily. I’ve given up trying to stay in touch and make real friends because I used to and got nowhere.
So yes mirrors. I’ve run out if ways to change who i am. I feel like i don’t know who i am.
I sent my ex an sms today. A he should sms. But I’m starting to feel like it should have been addressed to myself. An I should sms.
It was about how amazing I am. Lol. How he should have wanted to fight for me and someday he’ll regret it.
I wasn’t trying to get him back. I don’t want him back.
I need to sort out me. Find me. And not distract myself from dealing with my pain.
I was thinking about Bridget jones again. I really want a Hugh Grant. Funny crazy exciting passionate. Coupled with responsible though.
I’ve tried many Darcys in my life and I feel like they just look at me and judge me. They don’t join in my craziness. I’m not sure I could feel happy in that.
Maybe cos I’m a Bridget jones with more Hugh Grant in me than I’d like to admit.
Does finding my ex self absorbed and feeling he doesn’t give me enough attention another mirror? Or is it real?
I’m confused again.