Why we can’t stop loving the abuser


This is a really good article on the aftermath of emotional abuse.

But it got me wondering,  is the love that the person being abused feels… Is that love real? Or has it just become an addiction / obsession / lie?


8 thoughts on “Why we can’t stop loving the abuser

  1. I believe you can love the person behind the mask of abuse. In most cases, that person is not all bad. There will be something sweet, something caring that makes you feel special. The problem is that the abuse kills your soul and these things are not enough. They become not worth it in the grand scheme.


  2. For me, the love was real, but the person wasn’t. So my love was based on a lie, a mask. After 27 years of the emotional abuse, and finding out about the multiple affairs, I was completely traumatized, and fortunately had therapists who treated me that way. In my case. My healing has involved me understanding how I could have allowed myself to receive his abuse all those years…and eventually forgiveness and acceptance.


    1. I feel like I’m in this weird limbo. I read my journals and I cam see that I knew I wasn’t treated well and I didn’t trust him. And then my head and my heart thinks he’s a good person and I still love him. And I have to keep reminding myself about all the things I’d found out about other women and drugs and how his family saw me… But somedays I just want to forgive it and beg him to just come back… It’s a weird place.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. How long has it been since you found out? Is he remorseful and trying to make amends with you? My H and I are still together…I didn’t make that decision for almost a year, but after several months of trickle truth, he had a real emotional breakthrough and has been solidly a new person. It can happen…


      2. It’s only bn three months. We stop yest and he admitted that he was abusive. But not to the lying. So we spoke, we hugged, and I walked away. He called me three times last night just to check that I reached and let me know he reached. He seemed remorseful but it wasn’t good enough. He was still drinking too much. Not coming forth with the truth. not being completely honest. But I feel there may be hope if he realises his behaviour was wrong. It’s hard. Only time will heal this

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yes, you are very early in. I hope he will turn from his darkness and do everything he can to heal himself, and your marriage. Stay connected here…this is a wonderful community of support.


  3. It’s not about the love with have for THEM, it’s about how much we need to love OURSELVES. It is said “we accept the love we think we deserve” and boy is that a mouthful.
    Can you see yourself dealing with this 10 years from now? 20? Always being the one holding the short end of the stick? Relationship dynamics
    are developed early on, that ship sailed! Look at what you’ve gained (based on what I’ve read on your blog), or should I say look at what you’ve lost? YOURSELF.
    Nobody deserves that kind of power over you, YOU DESERVE BETTER. That stress, lack of confidence, worry, distrust because he has failed you again and again, you are worth so much more! Of course he is “sorry” HELLO! Who else can he find to put up with your shit?! Get out of his shadow and you will be IN THE LIGHT. Heal. Start on your personal bucket list. Make yourself strong, regain your confidence and see how people flock to YOUR light.
    I read many blogs but rarely comment. I only comment on those who are ready to flip the omelet and fight for themselves, not make excuses for the abominant behavior of their abuser. Girl, you’ve got spunk! (Mary Tyler Moore Show)- I love spunk! You’re stronger than you think because you’re not buying his shit. Thank God you owe him nothing and you can walk away without bonds of a home or child. Run, Baby! Run like the wind and leave no trace behind!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. 😂😂 I really really need to reread before hitting SEND.
    *who is he gonna find to put up with HIS shit*

    Don’t give away the key to your wellbeing to anyone. No one. Not a man, a friend, a parent. You own the master key – keep it in your pocket and don’t make copies😉

    Liked by 1 person

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