I’m failing

I feel really embarrassed to write this. I’ve read all your comments and you are all right.

I should be focusing on me. If he wants me back he should put in the effort.  He should bend over backwards realising what he lost.

We had a long back and forth and I let go of my power.

It started after my last blog. I’d tried phoning him to tell him that I think we should stop all contact and that his request to come over had upset me. I couldn’t get hold of him so I smsed it.

He tried calling then sent me a really cold response.  It cut. He just said okh he will never contact me again and I can bring the couch back tomorrow. 

I should’ve said ok. But i didn’t. What resulted is a three hour back and forth. He got frustrated and said I was playing games.  He said he was trying to open up to me and I just shut him down. He was trying to be open and honest. But in my head he just hadn’t done enough to get me back.

It spiralled.  And I realised that not once did he say that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. When I had asked he said something about  me not seeing his actions. 

It all sounded like bs to me. Like he had gone back to gaslighting. 

I’m just so confused right now. I tried blocking him again but I just really don’t want to. And then I think about my future and my family and my friends and all of you…. And I can hear everyone saying you deserve better. But I can’t see better right now. Right now I just want him. I want to be back in his hug.

I see my therapist first thing tomorrow morning. It couldn’t have been in a better slot.

They’ll know exactly how to get me on the right road again

Advertisements

16 thoughts on “I’m failing

  1. At the end of the day, the decisions you make in regard to him, are you own. God knows I went back to my abuser many times over the course of three years. And it wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own when I allowed him to continue to hurt me because I was weak, and emotional, and unwilling to be alone without him. People tried to tell me, and I wouldn’t listen. People abandoned my friendship, and I didn’t blame them. They were smart to leave when I was too stubborn to see what was healthy for me and what wasn’t.

    You do what you have to do. You do it because it’s what you feel you need to do. There may be right and wrong answers here, but that is never the case with the heart. The heart throws out all logic. I just really, really hope that the decision you eventually make, isn’t the one that continues to cause you pain and suffering at the hands of someone that is a drug addict, an alcoholic, and a very selfish person.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I spoke to my shrink today. We had a conversation abt how my current life reflects my childhood and my inner child wounds. I’m working day by day to heal those so that I can stop these destructive patterns. Thank you so much for your continual support. I’m sure it’s frustrating and sometimes you just want to shake me awake. I’m really grateful that you came into my life

      Like

  2. I’m sorry to hear it, not even gonna lie. I left an abusive man in 1985. 19 years young, I was.
    I put up with a lot of psychological abuse, scary tactics, screaming matches, temper tantrums, a jealousy so out of whack he wouldn’t let me use a restroom in public because if another guy looked at me he would have to fight him. And he would. The threats of suicide, the notes on the table when you woke up in the mornings and he’s not in the house. You know, all the fun stuff that comes with an abuser.
    I had my “come to Jesus” moment when he slapped me hard across the at a restaurant on Christmas Eve because I said I wanted to spend Christmas Day at home with him, not pretending everything was rainbows and kitties in front of his family. Every man stood up to hold him until police arrived, I was rushed to the bathroom by the women. I knew he would spend the night in jail and it was my only chance to escape. I spent the night at a friend’s house and the next morning I left the state with the same clothes I wore the night before. I left everything behind, everything. I started with nothing in a new place I had never been to, thanks to my oldest sister.
    4 years later I was married to a wonderful man who thinks I cause the sun to rise every morning. He adores me, can’t even just say the word “love”. ADORES ME. It’s been 27 years. Abuse is abuse, no matter what kind. I will always wish, root for and encourage other women to realize their worth, ease their fears about a tomorrow they can’t envision for themselves, because I was there once. I wish for the freedom and opportunity to realize there’s a whole world out there with someone who wants to love them the way they want to be loved. DESERVE TO BE LOVED. I wish you the best.
    Without him.
    Peace out,
    SophiaXO

    Like

    1. Wow that’s such an amazing story. I admire your strength and courage to start anew with nothing. It sounds terrifying. But thank you. Every day I feel a little stronger. I sometimes sink into the comfort of old patterns. But one thing I know for certain: I will not get back with him unless things change drastically

      Like

    1. Yeah but being aware of how you shouldn’t be treated is always a great start. Reading everything you can about abuse and gaslighting and whatever else you’ve experienced. With me it was dating a narcissist who was lying and cheating and abusive and dealing with addictions. Lol

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s a real struggle for me to get over him. Like you know when uve spent your whole life feeling like no one’s understood you and you were alone. And then there’s a guy who gets u and u just click n you’re the same person. Only he’s on a dark destructive path and u desperately try to hold on to the connection and to heal him…. Sometimes I ask myself if I really love him or if it’s the trauma… But one thing I Def do feel w him is that I can be myself. And he gets it and never insults me as myself. He projects a lot. But he’ll never put me down… Like say I’m ugly or annoying or talk too much. And when uve had ur whole life dealing with ppl putting you down, it’s very hard to walk away from someone who picks u up… Even if he does hurt you

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m going to be direct, but please know I mean it as a direction of care: Focus, completely, on you right now. When a relationship ends, I think you have to find stable ground to stand up again.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s