I feel really embarrassed to write this. I’ve read all your comments and you are all right.
I should be focusing on me. If he wants me back he should put in the effort. He should bend over backwards realising what he lost.
We had a long back and forth and I let go of my power.
It started after my last blog. I’d tried phoning him to tell him that I think we should stop all contact and that his request to come over had upset me. I couldn’t get hold of him so I smsed it.
He tried calling then sent me a really cold response. It cut. He just said okh he will never contact me again and I can bring the couch back tomorrow.
I should’ve said ok. But i didn’t. What resulted is a three hour back and forth. He got frustrated and said I was playing games. He said he was trying to open up to me and I just shut him down. He was trying to be open and honest. But in my head he just hadn’t done enough to get me back.
It spiralled. And I realised that not once did he say that he wanted to be in a relationship with me. When I had asked he said something about me not seeing his actions.
It all sounded like bs to me. Like he had gone back to gaslighting.
I’m just so confused right now. I tried blocking him again but I just really don’t want to. And then I think about my future and my family and my friends and all of you…. And I can hear everyone saying you deserve better. But I can’t see better right now. Right now I just want him. I want to be back in his hug.
I see my therapist first thing tomorrow morning. It couldn’t have been in a better slot.
They’ll know exactly how to get me on the right road again