I think I need to lose my best friend 

I know I’m sensitive. 

I know people can only help to the extent of their problems in life.

But maybe it’s a sign that I’ve outgrown her.

After the police thing she said “I can’t get involved in your relationship,  theres always two sides to the story” She also said I was choosing to get involved in the drama and I must just be strong. Somehow him calling me and yelling was my fault 

When he broke up with me she said “don’t worry. You’ll get back together next week” 

When I had a sobbing break down she said “you’re emo right now. There’s nothing I can say. You just have to get thru the pain” 

All of that comes from a good place. Shes cares, she just doesn’t know how to.

There’s been a split in the middle between whether I should pay it or whether I should ask my ex to pay the fine. Actually I had three ppl say pay it. And two say don’t. Ones in waiting.

But my best friends response was the only one that hurt. She said “you should pay it.  The only reason he was driving was because you booked that trip”

Again. It was my fault.

Right now, me being blamed for anything is a trigger. I feel my chest tighten in anger. I want to lash out. But because I take everything in, I just absorb it.

I don’t know.  Maybe I am over sensitive right now. 

At the same I feel, wtf, this is my only real friend.  What is wrong with me?

I’ve felt more support from you guys reading my blog and I’ve know her for 15 years…

I know I shouldn’t expect things from people.  Everyone of us is different.  But it seems thinking this way,trying to accept everyone as they are with all their flaws, feels like I’m telling myself it’s okay that people don’t support you the way you need to be supported.  You should just be happy with what you have. 

I’ve lost a lot of friends in my life.  I treasured them in moments they were there for many.  But it was hardly ever.

Sometimes I think I’m selfish. I think the world revolves around me and I don’t give people what they really need. So I try harder. 

I could go through all the friendships that just ended. But I don’t feel like it 

I feel like my whole life I’ve just been alone.  And that’s why I want a partner in crime as my boyfriend.  I want someone who gets me because I’ve felt that no one’s ever just understood me or stayed by my side no matter what.  And that’s all I want. Support. Love. 

Its starting to sound like this is my journey and they must just follow.  But it’s not. With my ex I was willing to follow his journey wherever it took him until he was able to make it our journey. 

I don’t know.  Maybe I did cause this all myself. Self sabotage.  All the ways to prove to myself that i am unworthy, unlovable,  immature, selfish, pathetic….  whatever else. 

People have often said to me “how could anyone hate you”

And in those moments I have a million reasons from all the people in my past who walked away hating me.

I’m ready to give up. I’m done with all my dreams and hopes that I’ll amount to something.

I believed I could be special.

But I’m not.

And I’m starting to accept that.

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4 thoughts on “I think I need to lose my best friend 

  1. The answers you seek are right there in your post. When animals are in pain they become primal and they growl anyone comes close ro them, even people they love. Humans are no different. You acknowledge you are sensitive at this time and you self sabotage relationships. Don’t be too hard on your good friend. People who are not really vested in you will tell you what you want to hear. A good friend will tell you what you don’t want to hear. Good friends are not “Yes Men”, they want to help you break the cycle. You are hurting right now, don’t make life altering decisions that you might regret. Put all your efforts in changing the things that are keeping you from being who you want to be. Just take a time out, start today with a specific goal. Just one, the one that matters the most to you, and do something EVERY DAY to move towards it. In only a week you will see results. Then keep at it! Build, don’t destroy. It will break the cycle. I wish you well in YOUR journey. We have to do that one alone, others will join it at the appointed time. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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