I was chatting to a colleague today. We were talking about formats and when it came to fat, I said F-A-T. He said fat again and even though we were talking about formats, I started feeling ugly. Like the word was directed at me. I dressed pretty today but I’m wearing a dress that after I bought was advertised everywhere and overstocked. And when I wore it everyone noticed and said they saw it at this shop. My skinny boss said she thought about buying it. And I just remembered the first time I ever wore a skirt that someone else had, she came to me and said it looks better on her. And then my friend bought the skirt. And it looked better on her too.
Now I just never feel like I look good in something someone has. Tons of people told me I looked good today. But it didn’t touch me. I already believed the dress didn’t fit me as it was supposed to. I felt like I was wrong to have even bought it. But mostly i felt ashamed because for a moment this morning, I believed I was beautiful and strong and that I could take on my ex.
How deluded is that?