Day 11 and dreams

I keep having dreams about the ex and Darcy. 

The first one was somewhere out in the wild in a wooden cabin.  I was hanging out with Darcy when the ex came. I can’t remember what happened but I followed the ex out and left Darcy behind in the cabin. The ex kept giving me excuses to leave and I kept killing the excuse. He had also been drunk.

In the second dream, the ex was working on the same floor as Darcy and on their floor they had a zen garden meditation room and a few gyms. I’d never known this as my floor was boring and dull and unhappy.  I went down and meditated in the garden. Somehow everytime I was in the garden or gym I was naked. I.could feel Darcy watch me. Then I saw my ex come in and I put on my clothes while being surrounded by men. When my clothes were on they all left. I can’t remember but something made me go to my ex. He called me or someone said something was wrong. As with the first dream, my ex was intoxicated.  Drunk. He told me what I’ve been wanting to hear. That he needed help. That he wanted to be with me. That I made him a better person. And as he spoke he sank me into a kiss. It just happened. And I got lost in it. As I pulled away I saw the naked lade under him that he was busy snagging. I yelled in anger that I will not be with a lying cheating person. I went back to my floor and got a panicked call from Darcy saying that I must never tell you know who what happened between us.

I feel pretty low today.  Thinking of going to watch the new Bridget jones movie. Just to feel better. 

I woke up feeling low. I didn’t want to eat. Didn’t care.

I told Darcy to leave me alone yesterday.  I didn’t want to hurt him. I like the attention.  I like having someone to talk to. I like that there’s someone who wants to hang out with me. But he really likes me. He’s sweet but I find him extremely boyish. He gets paranoid if I talk to my ex or if I’m in a bad mood or if I don’t smile when I see him. He tells me things like you’re choosing not to get over this. And that makes me angry.  But mostly i haven’t been treating him well. So he may not see it, but it’s better for him that we don’t chat.

Today I spent most of my day trying to remember if my relationship with my ex had ever been great for longer than a week.  I remember fun moments. I remember the first time we kissed. It was the most amazing kiss I’d ever experienced in my life. We were standing close together talking. I was hoping he’d kiss me. But I didn’t see it coming. And when our lips joined, I remember being surprised…  as if I didn’t know what was happening.  And I just sunk into it.

It was amazing.  After the first time we had sex, i didn’t think it would happen again. But the next day at work, when he saw me,  he turned and smiled. The most beautiful smile. I’ll never forget that smile.

And he had me.  Completely. He knew exactly how to make me feel comfortable to just be me. Maybe it’s because he never cared… It’s never mattered to him… 

It’s one of those days where I really really just want him back. I don’t care what he did. I’ll throw it all out the window. I just want him back.

I wanna go back to the early days of the relationship and just handle things better. I want to understand him better. Maybe I could’ve prevented this.

I know this pain will pass. I know him leaving is the best thing that ever happened to me. I know that the guy I’m actually in love with is a figment of my imagination. The man he had created for me to believe he was… But who he’s nothing like at all and never will be. If I had to look at him now, I can see all his flaws. I can look at him and think omg why am I with him…. But I feel this bond to him just pulling me into him.

I don’t know how to cut that bond. That attachment. I could stare at him for hours thinking he was the most beautiful man ever… Even though I was looking at all his flaws.

This is hard. Things aren’t distracting me. I feel like i need to be hit on the head with a spade to wake up from it all. 

I was meant to meet his ex today but I couldn’t.  Talking to her would have made it all real. I need to. But not in my current funk.

My estate agent also annoyed me today. She added a penalty on my lease that wasn’t there when my previous flatmate walked out on me without warning. She still angers me. I didn’t feel like she treated me well either but I silently put up with it. And when she was done with me, like my ex, she left.

It’s all about them. They’ve drained you dry. They’ve used you for everything they could. Nothing is about you. Not why they came,  not why they stayed and not why they left.

I want to rip my chest open. I want to slash every part of my body. I want to bleed out all the pain.  I keep imagining myself being victim to a crime. Getting stabbed for my phone or getting shot or being in an accident.

Im angry and I’m taking it out on me. What hurts the most is he cheated on me before. And I was a stupid naive girl to believe that he had worked on himself and wanted to be a better person. I was an idiot to stay when I was so hurt and confused… Only to end up back where wed started. A full circle. 

I can’t shake of the feeling that everything i had believed about us was all in my head… I filled the blanks in conversations and filled the emptiness in the relationship and filled the fridge so we’d never starve and filled the gaps on weekends to keep us entertained…. I filled it so id never have to face the truth- he fooled me twice.

I can’t wait for my appointment with the therapist on Sunday. I need to get out of my head.

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4 thoughts on “Day 11 and dreams

  1. I feel you. I think sometimes that if this has happened, our whole relationship was a lie and that it never mattered to him.

    I often think that I as well just saw the best version of him that he presented to me. It seems like what cheaters do. Just hide away all the bad parts and all the maliciousness to make it seem like they’re good people and would never do this, and it makes everything hard to believe. They’re two different people, but you can’t just take the good, you get the bad as well.

    You’re allowed to feel shitty. It will get better and at some point we’ll all realize this is for the best even though it doesn’t feel like that at all.

    Like

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