Day 10… Sinking 

Like Daniel Craig in Skyfall after he’s shot.

My day was good. It started with me singing on the way to work. Knocking out my first edit before 11.

My cv was done. My references were done. 

My lease was finally signed and sent only 24 days late.

My boss yelled at me twice about an edit being a day late. I almost gave up but I pushed myself to write a decent script and make it okay.

For moment I focused on him yelling at me, but then decided no, the highlight was that I completed something half decent.  Unlike every other one of my previous edits in the last three months.

I did it. Step by step. The day was good despite some unwanted dealings with Darcy.

The whole day, however, I just wanted to be back in my car, driving and singing St the top of my voice.

Driving home,  it just changed. The music was blaring, I was trying to sing, to feel… But my head kept going to him.

Something I had read this morning really hurt me. It was a blog by a woman who had cheated on her boyfriend.  I’m not mad at her , nor do I judge her… But she said that with her ex she realised that the relationship made her feel trapped,  but with her current boyfriend she’d never ever cheat on him. She found her one.

I know it’s stupid and pathetic, but I fear that… That it was me. He just never loved ME. I look back and it feels like I really did force him to stay with me. He never wanted ME. I know he at least tried with his ex. He bought her flowers. He tattooed her initial on his arm. I got nothing.

And then, almost three years ago, when I found out that I was the other woman to her relationship,  he treated me exactly as he’s treated me now.  There’s no apology or an attempt to make me forgive him. He went back to her,begged her to stay, made promises to love her with everything that he is. Not me.

He discarded me then in the same way he discarded me now. I meant nothing to him. I was just the girl who’d do anything for him. Who’d always be there. He didn’t even have to spend my birthday with me. He could do what he wanted to me and I’d stay.

I was nothing. Not even a good memory.

Everyone says that how you’re treated is a mirror to how you treat yourself.  So for 29 years I’ve just been doing this to myself?

Everyone continuously mocked me because even when I was a confident,  self assured, talented kid, I mocked myself?  When a tailor rubbed himself sexually against me while my mum was on the other side of a curtain, it was because I was molesting myself? 

When a guy I loved unrequitedly for four years told me that the only way I’d ever get a boyfriend was if I covered my face with both hands and that he was glad to be out of my life was because I was isolating myself.

Or when the guy who spent months telling me he loved me, just to sleep with me and disappear…  And later contact me and say he did nothing wrong, we just weren’t meant for each other…. What is that a mirror of?

Really? I got cheated on because I was cheating myself. I got discarded over and over again by friends, family and lovers… ALL who never looked back. ALL who never thought there was anything worth coming back to.
They all have good other friends,  family and lovers…  So really my past says only one thing:
It’s ME. It’s not them. It was never them.

Something is wrong with me.

I’m the problem. 

And no matter what I try to change or heal, nothings made a difference. 

People ALWAYS leave.

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15 thoughts on “Day 10… Sinking 

  1. People only try and hurt you when they can’t control you. You are powerful, amazing, and a fighter. It comes through in your posts.
    You’ll make it through…!

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      1. 🙂 Well, I know when I was at the worst of my depression, my mind, thoughts, feelings were a hodge-podge of pure emotion…I could not articulate a thing. That happens sometimes, and it’s okay…that is the best thing we can do sometimes. ❤

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  2. When I read your posts I feel emotional because I can relate and I wish I could take the pain away. As much as you want him to disappear from your memories and I know you must feel as if you want to wipe your memory clean because that’s all I’d ever say to people, which was an empty saying, the only thing that’s going to heal you is time and no contact what so ever with him. Block his work number, block his profiles if you have social media so you don’t know what he’s doing in his life just erase him from everywhere you may see a picture or post whatever, just get rid of him on your socials if you have them. I used to be enraged with people when they used to say “time heals” cause I wanted the pain gone NOW! But I swear, time does heal. The pain will get less, but that’ll only be the case if you decline calls and don’t have contact with him cause he will always come back some way or another. I think he did have feelings for you, but because he has done this to other girls, and because he clearly thinks you’re gonna put up with it he’ll keep coming back. And you know what, when you start fighting back and saying no, that’s when he’ll squirm and put up a fight, and that’s when he’ll try and push his way back into your life. Don’t quote me, but I just feel like that’s what might happen. I relate so much to your posts and I like the fact you vent online at least you’re getting everything out. I read your other post about abuse and how women get more support with physical, it’s true but at the same time the support is disgusting and people think you’re stupid for accepting it. At the same time, I understand there is such a block when it comes to emotional abuse, because nobody seems to understand why you allow his behaviour and why you stay or put up with it, even the counsellors and when I went counselling after I got my injunction from my narcissistic ex, she turned round to me and said “there’s nothing I can help you with”. I feel like the ONLY people who actually have a depth of understanding with emotional abuse is people like me and you, people who have suffered it because it’s so psychological and soul damaging its unexplainable. You will heal, you will do this. It’s fine to cry it’s fine to have down days, it’s fine not to do your daily activities. Have your shit days! Why not, listen to sad songs get everything out of your system! And when you feel up to it do your daily activities that you loved before, start loving yourself and start doing stuff for yourself. Is there any way at all you could try and take some time off work? Even if you went to the doctors and said how low you’ve been feeling, and you just need time to get mentally healthy again? This is all an emotional journey and I can’t wait until you break free of it and start loving yourself and life again. He isn’t a mirror image of yourself at all, anybody who did them disgusting vile things to you are mirror images. I think you’re amazing and even though you’ve gone through so much negative shit in your life, you know how it feels to be so low. You would be someone amazing to talk to when another person is low, you know how it feels to be at rock bottom and you will have much more sympathy and consideration for others than what people who haven’t had bad life experiences would. I feel like I’ve rambled on a bit but I hope just a little bit what I’ve said has helped you a little.

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    1. Have you watched endless sunshine on a spotless mind? I feel if the memories were erased then I’d just keep going back…. But I do want to wipe it clean. It hurts too much. And I’m one of those people who take the pain internally… I become self aggressive. it’s been 11 days since I decided to block him number and walk away… It feels like 4 months… Yeah the support for physical abuse is disgusting. People are harsh and don’t really understand. I don’t know if you saw this in my post but I found a journal from Sept to April this year. All i wrote about was how I was gonna end things, that I wasnt meant to be treated like this, that love didn’t feel like this, that the only way forward was to leave…. But I couldn’t. He’d leave and each time I begged him to come bk. Because he’d convinced me that i was wrong. I don’t know how ppl like that become counsellors. They can really mess people up. I’ve spoken to two people who had counsellors yell at the or judge them. It’s wrong. You can’t tell a depressed person that they should have known better. Wtf. How long did it take you to get past it all? I’m all out of leave. I got pretty depressed last year and just kept taking leave and just stayed in bed. You haven’t rambled at all. I really appreciate you message. Thank you. Talking to others and reading their blogs about similar things really helps. It’s helps me feel hopeful. Thanks

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      1. It’s taken me 6 months to feel like “ok I’m getting through this” and a year and half to feel “I’ll never go back there ever again” I’m not sure if it happens to you but before when I was healing random memories would Spring into my head and it used to drive me insane and your mind makes out like things were all sweetness and honey when they wernt. I always used to think of the person he used to be not what he turned out to be and that was hard cause I saw how lovely he ‘could’ be. Now I get memories come into my head but I can talk about them laugh about it and im fine. Even when he would get into contact, I would read and blank if I got any unknown calls I wouldn’t answer, i blocked all his Facebook and social medias I pretended he didn’t exist. When I was with him it turned me insane to look on his pages when I broke up with him the thought of seeing something in his pages would be too much and would make me physically sick so I stopped that straight away but it’s easier said than done I’m not sure if you do but I’m just saying as my friends got this problem now she checks her exs page like mad and it’s driving her insane. I hope you’re feeling okay and you can do this remind yourself your worth it. A lot can happen in a year, you never know you could meet the love of your life whilst getting over him or a year on from getting over him.

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      2. I have those moments all the time. The times when he was sweet and caring and loving and looked at me like I was his forever. I thought it was cos deep down he is a good person who’s just lost. Or is that how he made me see him. Sometimes I still blame myself. Maybe if I was more trusting, less anxious. Maybe I pushed him to treat me this way. Maybe I’m just not an amazing gf like I always thought I would be in a relationship. Maybe I’m hard work. I mean I don’t even have half decent friends who love me unconditionally… How could a man? I’m hoping I find ways to heal myself. I feel like my life’s just been an endless list of people who never made me feel supported or loved. And all my life I thought it was me. Maybe my expectations are just too high. Maybe right now they’re just unable to give to me in the way I need. All I’ve ever wanted was a partner in crime. And I almost started to believe my ex was that. Maybe I convinced myself. I just I need to put some distance and then I’ll see. It’s only been 12 days. I’m meant to go talk to him today but everyone feels like he’s going to be horrible. I know he won’t be. I know he’ll seem sad and act distant. I know him. I know the exact look he’ll give me. Like he doesn’t want to be there but he’s doing the right thing. The way he’ll say sorry but look away. I just want to show him I’m good. That I took my power back. i want myself to know that I can handle anything. It’s probably stupid. I have months to go before I can shake of the gaslighting and mind fuking… But thanks for your response. At least I have a goal. One year. He doesn’t have social media. Only whatsapp.

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      3. I feel like you shouldn’t meet him but that’s entirely up to you if you can give a strong poker face and be strong no matter how much shit he comes off with and be the person who don’t want him, then that’s okay. I’m not sure if you believe in all this but I found books such as ‘the secret’ ‘the power’ and ‘the magic’ amazing healing books. They talk about the law of attraction, negative attracts negativity and positive attracts positivity and how everything happens for a reason, but of course it does into so much more debt than that. It changed my thought process and really helped me become strong but again, not a lot of people believe in things like that. Also I came across online something called ‘Karmic relationships’ and For me it really connected with me, it made me shiver cause the things I was reading was all what my ex did and how he was. Just thought I’d add all that maybe look into it. Also can I say, never lower your expectation just because you don’t see results now. You know the way you should be treated, you shouldn’t have to
        Lower your expectations on how to be treated cause you’ve had some fucking idiots in your life.

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      4. I’ve read the secret. Haven’t heard of the other two. Or karmic relationships. I like the idea of law of attraction but I feel it’s almost impossible to implement. It’s goes against learned human nature. But maybe I need to give it another shot. Thank you. And I do believe everything happens for a reason. Like because of this relationship, I feel I’ve grown a lot. I feel like I’m more confident in my boundaries. I’ve learnt how to speak up for myself. Maybe not in every relationship, but definitely in a love relationship. I still don’t hate him. Maybe that’ll change in a year. Maybe I’m still under the delusion that hes a good guy.

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  3. Lots of people leave. Lots of people are never meant to stay. That does not mean that it has anything to do with you. It is not because you are undeserving, not because you are less than, not because you did anything wrong. You just happened to be the collateral damage on the path of their self-destruction. Hugs.

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    1. But if it’s self destruction… Then aren’t I causing it somehow? I see all these ppl who still have groups of friends from school. I see people who found high school sweethearts and at 30 without counselling they’re still going well. How am I only attracting people who don’t care about me at all? It’s hard to believe it’s just my life. It’s hard to believe that there’s nothing wrong with me when I’m completely alone…

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      1. My marriage was bad for a really long time before I broached the topic of divorce. My friends and family were shocked. They thought everything was good and that I was happy, because I’m a very private person and I didn’t share how bad it had gotten. People put on their best face, often even for close friends and family. I did.

        You can’t control other people, you can’t change them. They have their own baggage, their own hangups, their own guilt and self-pity and self-destructive tendencies. You can do what you need to do to be a person deserving of a great love, but you can’t help being the target of a schmuck now and again. I was.

        You do need to look at why you are attracting people who don’t care. Do you not stand up for what you need? Do you try too hard to make someone happy at the cost of your own well being?

        Maybe you are alone because you are not willing to settle for “not good enough.” And that’s a great reason to be alone!

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