Like Daniel Craig in Skyfall after he’s shot.
My day was good. It started with me singing on the way to work. Knocking out my first edit before 11.
My cv was done. My references were done.
My lease was finally signed and sent only 24 days late.
My boss yelled at me twice about an edit being a day late. I almost gave up but I pushed myself to write a decent script and make it okay.
For moment I focused on him yelling at me, but then decided no, the highlight was that I completed something half decent. Unlike every other one of my previous edits in the last three months.
I did it. Step by step. The day was good despite some unwanted dealings with Darcy.
The whole day, however, I just wanted to be back in my car, driving and singing St the top of my voice.
Driving home, it just changed. The music was blaring, I was trying to sing, to feel… But my head kept going to him.
Something I had read this morning really hurt me. It was a blog by a woman who had cheated on her boyfriend. I’m not mad at her , nor do I judge her… But she said that with her ex she realised that the relationship made her feel trapped, but with her current boyfriend she’d never ever cheat on him. She found her one.
I know it’s stupid and pathetic, but I fear that… That it was me. He just never loved ME. I look back and it feels like I really did force him to stay with me. He never wanted ME. I know he at least tried with his ex. He bought her flowers. He tattooed her initial on his arm. I got nothing.
And then, almost three years ago, when I found out that I was the other woman to her relationship, he treated me exactly as he’s treated me now. There’s no apology or an attempt to make me forgive him. He went back to her,begged her to stay, made promises to love her with everything that he is. Not me.
He discarded me then in the same way he discarded me now. I meant nothing to him. I was just the girl who’d do anything for him. Who’d always be there. He didn’t even have to spend my birthday with me. He could do what he wanted to me and I’d stay.
I was nothing. Not even a good memory.
Everyone says that how you’re treated is a mirror to how you treat yourself. So for 29 years I’ve just been doing this to myself?
Everyone continuously mocked me because even when I was a confident, self assured, talented kid, I mocked myself? When a tailor rubbed himself sexually against me while my mum was on the other side of a curtain, it was because I was molesting myself?
When a guy I loved unrequitedly for four years told me that the only way I’d ever get a boyfriend was if I covered my face with both hands and that he was glad to be out of my life was because I was isolating myself.
Or when the guy who spent months telling me he loved me, just to sleep with me and disappear… And later contact me and say he did nothing wrong, we just weren’t meant for each other…. What is that a mirror of?
Really? I got cheated on because I was cheating myself. I got discarded over and over again by friends, family and lovers… ALL who never looked back. ALL who never thought there was anything worth coming back to.
They all have good other friends, family and lovers… So really my past says only one thing:
It’s ME. It’s not them. It was never them.
Something is wrong with me.
I’m the problem.
And no matter what I try to change or heal, nothings made a difference.
People ALWAYS leave.