Day 9

My ex called me now to meet up and talk. It was very polite. He told me that he was respecting my need for space but if I wanted to we could talk. It was from one of his work numbers that I hadn’t blocked. I said no thanks and put the phone down.  But now I feel a deep yearning to call him back and desperately say yes, let’s talk, please tell me this isn’t happening. I guess that’s the wounded little girl inside me, so desperate to be loved. To have one person in her life not abandon her.

I didn’t call him back. But I admit hearing his voice was hard. I loved his voice. It sparked an instant smile whenever he called. I can’t explain it. His voice was just beautiful.  He even did some voice-overs at my old job. And he had a way of fulling it with emotion. When he was sad or happy or in love or hurt or…. He manipulated his voice so perfectly that I’d feel it shoot straight to my chest. 

But I’m trying to understand why he called. I’ve come to terms with him being incapable of loving me, incapable of caring about me, incapable of realising how much pain and damage he has caused. He also doesn’t want me in his life. Things are apparently going well with the new girl so there’s no need for me anymore. There was never a deep bond from his side. He could always just leave and not look back. There’s no remorse, no guilt, no inkling that how he treated me was wrong.

Is it just to make himself feel like he’s still the good guy? He wanted a protection order which also means that he didn’t care about slicing through every connection we had. He was done with me. He chewed me and spat me out.

I know that me saying no to talking to him makes absolutely zero difference to his life. He probably felt like he was doing me a favour by talking to me. Offering me closure. Being that amazing guy he’s made everyone believe… Only he scarred exes know the truth.  

I’m not sure if he treated the others the same or if it was just me and his last ex. The two before still talk to him and stay in touch. The last one, who i have constantly been in contact with, said he had destroyed her in the same way he had destroyed me. She described him as a serious trauma and that right now he’s only capable of hurting me.

Yesterday I read through a bunch of blogs of women dealing with infidelity and emotional abuse. 

Everyone described an intense hurt. A loss of sense of reality or self worth or an extreme anger.

I don’t understand it. I read these blog posts and wondered how can infidelity still be so widely accepted. Why are there still articles being published with excuses for why people cheat. There’s still memes degrading side chicks rather than the men cheating.  And that women can still proudly talk about having a relationship with a married man or a man in a relationship. 

I know I slept with a married man once. It was despicable and I have no excuses for it.i lost my virginity to him and then ended things. I never boasted about it. I never put up pictures that said call the cops if you think me stealing your man is a crime. It doesn’t make what I did less wrong….

My self worth has been pretty low from a young age. I’ve never felt worthy. I read an article yesterday about mistakes emotionally abused woman make: http://lifemadesimple.typepad.com/abusednomore/2009/12/7-critical-mistakes-that-all-emotionally-abused-women-make.html

It made me feel worse.

Abuse is also often related to physical abuse. You’re being beaten up, that’s bad ,  you should just leave. But with emotional abuse kinda feels like it was your fault. You knew he was lying. You had a low sense of self worth. Sure he was a db but people told you that you chose to stay. With physical abuse, the first slap is a wake up call.

Im speculating.  I’ve never been physically abused. But I feel that it’s more tangible.  People can see it. Yes physically abused women also stay for longer than they should for a myriad of reasons.

Maybe it’s just how I’m feeling right now and how I’m interpreting things. I know with physical abuse people do blame the woman for staying but there’s also more support.  People violently ensure the woman doesn’t go back to the relationship. They gang up on her to knock some sense into her. They pull her back to reality. I’ve seen this happen on three occasions.  There’s a flood of support.  I can imagine it’s not comfortable and you feel ripped out of your life. But it’s there. 

My experience in reality has been largely lonely. No one really understood.  My bff asked me how could I have been to trusting of a man who i knew lied… It’s because I truly believed he wouldn’t hurt me…. I truly believed that he loved me.

Looking back,  i thought we were happy. I thought we had fun together.  I believed there were good times. But looking through my journal and my blog… It’s a completely different story. I was always hurt. Always trying to walk away. Always trying to heal. Always trying to find answers. I found a journal which I forgot I even wrote it. From Sept last year to April this year, it was just posts of me trying to leave him. Knowing I was unhappy. Knowing he didn’t treat me write. There was anger and pain and pro and con lists.  But i couldn’t leave. And even when he broke up with me three months ago, i couldn’t leave. So I’m really grateful that things got to this point where I had no option but to leave.

I’m fine. Thanks to comments from fellow bloggers,  I’m beating myself a bit less today. I feel drained and just want to be alone. Work is difficult. But at the same time, socialising a bit makes me feels better. I just want to sleep but have so much to do and I’m out of sick leave.

I’m going to gym today. It’s on my list of things to do from my therapist.

This is the list.

1. Don’t pursue the ex

2. Go see a movie before 25 sept

3. Focus on yourself 

4. Go to gym – 20 Sept 2016

5. Buy paint stuff – 25 Sept 2016

6. Read ‘five people we meet in heaven’ – mitch albom

I’ve added three more

7. Sort out my place 23 sept

8. Finish typing my cv and start sending it out 20 Sept 2016

9. Complete canvas for brother??  Hoping sat 24 sept

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2 thoughts on “Day 9

  1. What a prick. He needs to leave you alone and let you heal, but he can’t do that because his crap ego needs to be fueled by knowing that you still want to see him, need to see him, yearn to be in his presence. God, he really is a textbook narcissist. Treat you like crap and then when you won’t stand for it, he wants to pull you back in by being nice. Flip the script on him and tell him that you will get a protective order if he doesn’t leave you alone and let you heal, then hang up. Or do it in a text so that it’s documented. Stay strong on this one, otherwise it’s going to be the same repetitive crap that is has been. A cheating, gaslighting, drug user is not what you deserve. Have you read up on gaslighting?

    As someone that has been through both mental and physical abuse with the same man, I can definitely say that at least for me, the mental aspects have stuck around with me for almost ten years. I don’t remember every time he grabbed me out of anger, hit me in the face, or left marks on my body. Those have healed. But every degrading, damaging word he ever spoke to me, they are still there, very fresh in my mind. I will never forget those.

    Tell him to eff off, or you can let me do it. I will be more than happy to message him and tell him to hit the damn road. I may be an ocean away, but he doesn’t want to fuck with me.

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    1. Awh thank you for being angry for me. That’s the sweetest kindest thing ever. I blocked the number. I’ve been told not to contact him at all. Any anger or emotion will just keep the narcissist coming back. They feed on pain. It’s makes their egos blossom like wild flowers in spring. But thank you sooo much. I’m really ok today. Just super tired and dealing with life stuff that I let slide in the last three months. You are a godsend. I’m so appreciative that you are In my life. Thank you

      Like

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