He told me that i was amazing. Beautiful. Unique.
He noticed little things that I did and joked about them. He told his friends and family about my quirks.
He told me that he saw me. That he heard me. That we fitted.
He told me that’ll he’ll never hurt me again. That he was sorry he broke me the first time. That he respects me.
Then he told me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. That he needed time.
I ended it. He came back.
He told me that there was only one woman that he wanted to be with. That he’d do anything to be with me.
He told me that he couldn’t be there for me fully. That he couldn’t be the best possible version of himself for me. Because he needed to sort out him. He needed to finish his studies, get a proper job, pay his debt. Deal with his painful past. Be the son his mother wanted him to be
He told me I had too many expectations. I don’t know what real relationships are like cos it was my first real relationship. I had too many fantasies about love.
That I just need to let him breathe. That he didn’t have time to always work on the relationship. That it stopped him from working on himself and reaching his goals.
He told me his futures and dreams. Told me he wanted me in his life.
He told me that I didn’t believe how much he loved me. That love isnt what I think it is. Everyone loves differently and it hurt him when I said I didn’t think he loved me. He told me that a Google search on being treated well was all lies. That relationships were more complicated.
He told me that I couldn’t see how much he tried and I kept throwing his hardships in his face. That I just didn’t understand. That I was incapable of trusting someone. That he was so sorry he hurt me then and I just wouldn’t believe that he had changed.
He told me that i was with him because I was lonely. That I couldn’t commit to us. That i never really believed in us and our future. That he was just there part time.
He told me that i didn’t have to fear that he’d leave.
Then he left.
My biggest mistake was that I listened to his words and ignored his actions. I believed his words.
He showed me he could leave and not look back. Many times. He showed me that he could disappear for hours if not days and not try to contact me or care if I’m worried . He showed me that he could go out and party after having a fight.
He showed me that he could continue to entertain other women that I had a problem with. He showed me that he could disrespect me in public.
He showed me that he didn’t believe I was a part of his life. He showed me that he wasn’t determined to change. He showed me that he only cared about material things.
He showed me time and time again that he didn’t love me. That he didn’t care about him. That I wasnt a priority in his life. That my feelings weren’t important to him. That our plans weren’t important to him.
He showed me that he was just using me.
But I stayed.
Because for the first time in my life someone said that they loved me. Someone made an effort to put up with me.
My self esteem was so low that my response was to do everything I possibly could to make him happy. To keep him loving me. To make him stay.
But it was all a lie to begin with.