And then it all collapsed

Tw: sex 

My excitement and happiness continued into my day today. 

Until a friend of his contacted me asking me where I had disappeared to.

I should have blocked her immediately but I decided to respond.  We chatted. She finally opened up about things. How my ex went looking for cocaine while I was away.  How at a party he asked her to hook him up with a girl and when she didn’t he stormed off. He contacted me drunk, hours later,to pick him up and fukt me. I was the idiot shag who was always there. 

She Also told me how he was hitting on her and hit on everything that moved.  I kept finding condoms at his place and he told me it was to Polish his shoes and I believed him. He once left my place angry with a condom that he had brought for me.

For some stupid idiotic reason I chose to trust him. He made me believe that it was my fears and insecurities that created a lack of trust in the relationship and I made a conscious choice not to doubt him.

Now, awoken… I’m terrified. What if I have an sti? Or worse hiv?

I also found out he was doing cocaine more regularly that i thought. That means risky sex and I know for certain he didn’t always wear a condom. I also know for certain that he liked going down on women. 

I’m freaking out. There’s a one month period for hiv screening to avoid a false negative and then you need to double check in four months.

I want to hit myself. I want to smack my head against a wall. How could I have been such an idiot? Twice. Three times. Wtf is wrong with me. Why didn’t I freaking use a condom with him every single time?

I don’t know how to calm myself down. I don’t know how to handle this. I know there’s no point stressing unless I know for certain. But I’m falling apart now.

How did I get myself into this situation? Twice. With the same person

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2 thoughts on “And then it all collapsed

  1. Because you love without abandon. No matter what your head tells you, you lead with your heart. It’s both a good and a bad thing. You wanted so badly for him to be the person you thought he was, that you made it so by making excuses or turning your head to obvious red flags. It’s what most of us do when we are with someone that is toxic to us and we can’t let them go. You don’t need someone who does drugs, screws other women, and uses you that way. Once this hurt runs through – you are going to be really, really angry. When that day comes, there will be no turning back, because your stomach will turn in disgust at the thought of him.

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    1. I’m there. I’m not outwardly angry but he disgusts me. After my therapist session yesterday I felt a repulsion towards him but with a sadness. Now it’s just repulsion. I’m holding back. But if anything is wrong with me health wise I’m going to destroy him

      Liked by 1 person

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