My excitement and happiness continued into my day today.
Until a friend of his contacted me asking me where I had disappeared to.
I should have blocked her immediately but I decided to respond. We chatted. She finally opened up about things. How my ex went looking for cocaine while I was away. How at a party he asked her to hook him up with a girl and when she didn’t he stormed off. He contacted me drunk, hours later,to pick him up and fukt me. I was the idiot shag who was always there.
She Also told me how he was hitting on her and hit on everything that moved. I kept finding condoms at his place and he told me it was to Polish his shoes and I believed him. He once left my place angry with a condom that he had brought for me.
For some stupid idiotic reason I chose to trust him. He made me believe that it was my fears and insecurities that created a lack of trust in the relationship and I made a conscious choice not to doubt him.
Now, awoken… I’m terrified. What if I have an sti? Or worse hiv?
I also found out he was doing cocaine more regularly that i thought. That means risky sex and I know for certain he didn’t always wear a condom. I also know for certain that he liked going down on women.
I’m freaking out. There’s a one month period for hiv screening to avoid a false negative and then you need to double check in four months.
I want to hit myself. I want to smack my head against a wall. How could I have been such an idiot? Twice. Three times. Wtf is wrong with me. Why didn’t I freaking use a condom with him every single time?
I don’t know how to calm myself down. I don’t know how to handle this. I know there’s no point stressing unless I know for certain. But I’m falling apart now.
How did I get myself into this situation? Twice. With the same person