I gave away my power. Momentarily. I want to kick myself for not being stronger.
It was 2am. I had a glass of wine. A friend was asking me how to please a woman. And I sunk into the memory of his warmth. The thing I always miss the most is his chest. It grew to be instantly comfortable, like the best pillow. Early in the relationship I’d struggle to find my spot. In years, it became magic. My best sleep.
And I messaged him. A stupid self pitying, I’m broken, why did you leave message. I regretted in instantly. Nothing turns off a man like a needy woman who can’t get on with her life.
He’ll never acknowledge my pain.
Chatting to my friend and listening to all my followers comments, I know deep in my heart he’s not for me. That the right guy would never destroy me like this.
I hear you. I thank you. I need to distract myself. But on weekends alone in my flat in which he had been in since day one. Our relationship started with him helping me move in. 3 and a half years ago. I remember bits and pieces like it was yesterday. His smile. His barefoot. The way he looked at me. How he had me sitting in the boot and pretended to forget me inside. He was my knight in shining armour that day. He came to my rescue when everyone had let me down.
It just hurts so much.
I know I’m tiring. And this blog is becoming redundant…
I just wish i could fast forward a year. Ive made it to six months before and it wasn’t enough to get over him. I had dreams of turning 30 with him in my life. Now I just want to skip my birthday. I want to skip through a year. It’s only been 7 days since my decision to walk away and not look back. But it feels like a month. It’s been so hard and painful.
I just want to fall into a coma and wake up in a year. Living, making decisions, being creative at work… It feels so surreal right now. Like this can’t be real. I feel like someone has died and I’m in denial. I waiting for them to come by again.
It’s so hard. My self esteem is at its lowest. I just want him back so it’ll stop hurting.