Day 6

I feel bulldozed. It’s 4:30 pm and I’ve spent the entire day in bed.

I watched For Colored Girls to remind myself not to go back.  To not beg him to come back.

I ordered three self help books in my credit card. They only arrive in a month. 

I slept, tangled in dreams that bordered on nightmares. And then, like a moth to a flame,  I decided to see his whatsapp photo… And there was his new gf, with a kid and his status said “happiness”.

We once had a fight about why his whatsapp profile pic was never me. When we weren’t together he had statuses about his ex and another chick his was snagging and his sister, but never me. When we were together he had his profile photo of everyone, his sister, his sisters friends,  cousins…. Never about me. 

My colleague yesterday said that you just have to push through the pain.  As much as it hurts. On the other side, you’ll feel glad you did.

There’s nothing that I can do to change the past. I can only heal my tomorrows.

I really really really want to cut myself right now. I think about slitting my wrists all the time. I’d never do it.  But right now I just want to bleed him out of me. He hurts so fuking much. 

I thought I was ok. I’m not. 

I’m starting to question it all again. Was it me.  Did I expect to much. Did I push him too hard. Did my anxiety drive him away. Was I just not good enough.  Did I smother him. Was I too needy. Was I too clingy. Too scared.  Too annoying. Too hard to love. Too demanding. Did i push him away. Was he really just depressed. Did he just need space.  Why didn’t I just give him space.

He wasn’t abusive. He wasn’t a narcissist.  He did love me. Why didn’t I just believe him. Why didn’t I just stay calm and let him be. Why didn’t I just have friends and a life other than him. It must be all me. I can’t even make friends.  

Look he’s happy now. It was me. I sucked his happiness dry. I was too broken.  Too untrusting.  Too pathetic. 

What’s wrong with me?