The hardest times for me is when I’m alone. When my mind wanders. When I’m not busy.
Today in the cold, it proved be hard, especially since I cut off all my distractions and isolated myself.
But in those moments where I yearned to just be back in the warmth of his arms, I found reinforcements.
The first was a woman I work with. It was 6pm on a Friday, no one is usually at the office. I was making my way to a couch to sleep for half an hour when we started chatting.
I didn’t know a thing about her bit somehow we started talking about destructive me. An hour later we were still talking. Sharing our stories with abusive men who take and give nothing. She told me how hard it was for her. Hoe much she doubted herself. How she stayed longer than she should have. How he broke her. How he moved on. We spoke about healing. We spoke about what makes us damaged. About how it’s so hard to face the pain because you’re so broken and how denial and staying actually feels safer. About how no one really understands how messed up you are emotionally unless they’ve been abused too. We discussed self help books and loving herself again.
When i left I still wanted to bargain with my ex. To validate me. To reassure me that i wasnt just used…. Not again. To let me know I’m not an idiot for giving a mam everything I had, even when I had nothing and happily accepted the nothing he gave me back in return.
Then the second reinforcement hit.
I had gone to watch a movie with a bunch of older married people. It was about a prostitute. Her inner child wounds lead her into a life of prostitution, a cycle of self hate. And in her life, the only people who surrounded her were messed up, abusive or being abused. It was hard to watch.
Again I found myself yearning for him, yearning for this pain to not be real. Yearning to rewind to the amazing mam he was on our weekend away.
But on my way home, i think it hit me. I ugly cried as I drove. Remembering the pain from different stages in the relationship.
No one broke me as he did. When he hurt me, from early in the relationship , it cut deep. I’d be crying so hard that I couldn’t stop. There were three occasions where I had cut myself again, something I hadn’t done in ten years, just so i could release the emotion. So that I could sleep. There were also occasions were I was destroyed and didn’t move for days. And there were days where I’d overdose on painkillers and pills containing codeine, to make me sleep. To make the pain stop.
No one knew about this. Not in detail. Never including his actions and how it hurt me.
And each time he came back and I ran into his arms looking for safety.
I don’t think I’ll ever fully heal from this. I’m not being pessimistic. When I entered the relationship, I was a happy little girl eager to love and let someone into my life. I feel ruined. Perverted. I’ve lost that little girl who believes in love and magic and happiness is no longer apart of me. I feel aged.
Im sorry that I’ve been going on about my ex. I promised to stop. But I feel so lonely. So alone. I’m surrounded by people I don’t want in my life. And I let them in because I feel so alone but at the same time, i can’t handle the noise.