Day 5

Yesterday was a fairly uplifting day. I wore an old skirt and a black top. I didn’t think I looked dressed up. I didn’t feel pretty. But it got me lots of attention. Lots of compliments.  And in the end, everyone at work found out I was single. 

One guy said to me,” I see that you aren’t even trying to lose weight. You just know that there’s men lining up at the door for you”

He then told another guy and that guys response was “wow,  he broke up with you? Does he know what he’s losing” 

I also had two women telling me to go around and shag whoever I wanted.

It was a confidence boost. But I just wanted to be alone. I don’t want all these men messaging me right now. And I don’t wanna be a bitch and cut them off.

Darcy is now supremely unattractive to me. I look at him and all I see is a boy trying to nurse the rejection. I tell him I’m not ready for a relationship and his response is “if that’s what you want to believe” 

That really annoyed me. I felt he was invalidating my feelings to get his way. And I was really nice to him. I gave him whatever closure he needed. I responded to him. Explained. He just won’t stop.

He’s a boy.  In a way he reminds me of the girl I used to be with my ex. Was I that annoying? Was I that persistent?  Did he actually like me or did he just give in? Was my fear to just go with the flow that evident?

Last night was hard. Because after all the focus on me, I just wanted my ex to see it. I wanted him to know that this was the attention I’m getting. That there was a line of men at my door trying to get my attention. None of them actually putting in much effort but he doesn’t need to know that.

Today has been hard. It’s cold dull and rainy and I’m struggling not to message him and beg him to come back. In the shower I reminded myself of how he treated me and his indiscretions. I was momentarily angry but then went back to yearning for him.

I think I’m in the bargaining phase. Bargaining with bouts of denial. I wanna know it’s possible for him to change and heal.its hard for me to be objective and strong today. I’m holding back from announcing the pain on social media. I’m holding back from making everything about him and refocusing things on me.

I’ve had quite a full week.  Today I’m going to a movie.  Yesterday I went to a friends for supper. At lunch I went to a pub with colleagues.  The day before I walked and chilled at a western bar.

How long until I can do all that without hoping that he’ll see me? That’ll he swing by and see I’m not home? That he’ll pine for me as i pine for him? That he’ll see my photos and see how much fun I’m pretending to have? 

A guy at work who told me that my ex and I would get back together three months ago when he first broke up, asked me if he’s back.  I said no. He asked me if I missed him. And I said every moment. 

But I know that it’ll stop.

And I know that leaving him is the best thing for me. He’s already destroyed me. And if he comes back,  he’ll just keep destroying me.

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3 thoughts on “Day 5

  1. I’ve often believed the best question to ask yourself when it comes to a relationship is, “Can I accept this person the way they are without changing him/her or myself?” I think there is danger in changing oneself or expecting another to change in order for the relationship to work.

    Granted, it’s easier said than done, because the heart wants what the heart wants…

    Like

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