I feel great today. I struggled to get out of bed having not slept that well. It felt like the first time in a really long time that i woke up with my eyes feeling heavy.
I had an orange on my bedside table. And in a desperate attempt to make it to work on time on day one of the challenge, I ate it and was wide awake in seconds.
I had my neighbour knock on my door three times and I managed to wash and hang laundry. I ran out the house with 40 mins to get to work and landed in the thickest traffic I’ve seen in months.
I’m not the person to take side roads. My ex was. When driving I always preferred to just stay on the road , believing I’d get there in the same amount of time. Today, I drove like crazy. Taking roads I’d never been on.
I made it to work with a minute to spare. Wearing my new dress and boots and underwear. Feeling invigorated by the challenge and beautiful with my new clothes.
I guess the challenge gave me a reason to get up. To do something.
I spent most of my day yesterday googling. To be honest, my heart was searching for hope that my ex might come back transformed. Hope that a narcissist can change.
Instead I found out that most of the men I’ve been attracted to were narcissists… It kinda why I’ve always felt like no one has ever loved me. They have switches: affection on, affection off. And when they click off, it’s complete emotional shut down. You feel like nothing was real. That you meant absolutely jack shit to them.
The more I read, the more I realised that my response to stay and try and put up with bring neglected and abandoned and treated like krap while still trying to make them love me was all related to my childhood. Coupled with bad experiences relating too my body. And propelling a need for emotionally unavailable men. My low self esteem, my feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness, and my self hate just grew deeper, as if every moment was proof that I was not good enough for even a below average guy.
So now I’m trying to work on me. To heal my inner child. I know for certain, without any research or evidence, that healing my inner child will naturally make me let go of all of them. I’ll stop missing them. I’ll stop needing them to love me. And I know with absolutely certainty that I’ll stop feeding my emptiness.
I put on 20kg in the last year and a half with my ex. If not more. I believe it was me feeling empty and broken and trying to comfort myself with food. Because he was never able to comfort me or be there for me. In a way, I feel he created the emptiness by maintaining a superficial relationship…
My heart always knew something was wrong. He always said it was me. They all said it was me. I was too needy. Too crazy. It was in my head. I was throwing my toys around. I couldn’t appreciate them for who they were. Or what they did. Even though it felt like they did nothing. I expected too much. Tried to hard.
But now I know, that it was never me. It was them.