I used to be stronger

I’m not sure if I mentioned this before.

I was reading old posts about when the relationship had started. The fights we had then. I was much stronger.  I’d kick him out with conviction. Without any pity for his bs. 

I knew my worth. I demanded to be treated with respect.  I was not going to put up with a single lie.

I was strong. I stood up for myself.  I could easily let him go if he proved himself to be the same emotionally unavailable fuktard. 

Somewhere in the last year… Since May last year…  I just became mush. I couldn’t handle fights with him anymore.  I believed him when he blamed me. I ignored my gut and got swept into his lies. I gave in my power.

I pushed myself to love him deeply and completely. And I began to believe that I will never love another. Worst.  I began to believe that I can’t live without him. That no one will make him feel the way I do.

I made the mistake of sleeping with the infatuated Darcy. There were lots of intimate things I just wasn’t ready for.  Such as sleeping on his chest while watching TV. It just made me want my ex’s chest.

He called me this morning to ask if I was his girlfriend now… I put him down nicely. 

However in the moment from when he came over to when he left, I made one of my biggest realisations: that somewhere along the way,  I transformed from girl to woman.

When I look back at sexual experiences 5 years ago when I lost my virginity,  I was insecure and needy and not yet relationship mature.

I didn’t know what I liked. I avoided confrontation. I put up with things I couldn’t stand because i was scared of being rejected. I deprioritised my own principles to make another feel more uncomfortable. 

Now i feel a little more okay in my skin. If anything my ex taught me to stand up for myself,  to speak out, to tackle confrontation.  He also taught me what I like in the bedroom and what I don’t. 

I believe that even though he was a cheating lying emotionally unavailable narcissistic fuktard,  he tried to make things ok with me.

I think about him. I remember him. I miss him. But I’m starting to feel okay. I’m starting to feel like I don’t need another man’s approval to get through this. I’m starting to feel okay with being alone. I’m starting to feel like I can just be me again. Like I can be strong again. 

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8 thoughts on “I used to be stronger

  1. Wow…I can so relate and I just blogged about the same issue (that I used to be stronger). I’m sorry it’s happened to you too. I wish I had the answers x

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  2. You need to stop dwelling on your past. A million people can tell you the same thing but only you can tell yourself to exclude the word “ex” in every blog entry. Like seriously just stop writing about your ex overall. That is how you make yourself strong. You will never forget about your ex because he will always be a part of you, but it is your job to stop mentioning “ex” in every paragraph when you talk to another human being. Think about how you would feel if you’re sitting listening to a man bitching about his ex all day, all week, all month long. It gets kinda old. You get a nickname from someone who calls you the whiner who doesn’t actually do anything to improve him/herself. Words will just be words if you’re not acting on it. Every single day from now on, you will always think about your ex, even if you found the new man of your life. But how to make yourself really strong is to not include the word “ex” in every equation of your life. STOP saying “ex this, ex that”. It gets old.

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    1. Hi Kat. I appreciate your comments and your continual advice but I’m starting to feel like you’re screaming at me. I don’t talk about my ex in my life. This blog is for me to heal, for me to let out what’s on my mind. In my life I pretend I’m okay. And right now writing about my ex is helping me heal. I’m sorry if you find it out and tiring. But I’m tired of people telling me to be strong and snap out of it. I’m dealing with this as best as I can. Im trying to be positive. This has just happened to me. It’s fresh. It’s not like it’s five months later and this is all I talk about. So please give me some space to deal with this. I’m not a pessimist. I’m really just hurt. And I’m trying to heal as fast as I can.

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