I’m not sure if I mentioned this before.
I was reading old posts about when the relationship had started. The fights we had then. I was much stronger. I’d kick him out with conviction. Without any pity for his bs.
I knew my worth. I demanded to be treated with respect. I was not going to put up with a single lie.
I was strong. I stood up for myself. I could easily let him go if he proved himself to be the same emotionally unavailable fuktard.
Somewhere in the last year… Since May last year… I just became mush. I couldn’t handle fights with him anymore. I believed him when he blamed me. I ignored my gut and got swept into his lies. I gave in my power.
I pushed myself to love him deeply and completely. And I began to believe that I will never love another. Worst. I began to believe that I can’t live without him. That no one will make him feel the way I do.
I made the mistake of sleeping with the infatuated Darcy. There were lots of intimate things I just wasn’t ready for. Such as sleeping on his chest while watching TV. It just made me want my ex’s chest.
He called me this morning to ask if I was his girlfriend now… I put him down nicely.
However in the moment from when he came over to when he left, I made one of my biggest realisations: that somewhere along the way, I transformed from girl to woman.
When I look back at sexual experiences 5 years ago when I lost my virginity, I was insecure and needy and not yet relationship mature.
I didn’t know what I liked. I avoided confrontation. I put up with things I couldn’t stand because i was scared of being rejected. I deprioritised my own principles to make another feel more uncomfortable.
Now i feel a little more okay in my skin. If anything my ex taught me to stand up for myself, to speak out, to tackle confrontation. He also taught me what I like in the bedroom and what I don’t.
I believe that even though he was a cheating lying emotionally unavailable narcissistic fuktard, he tried to make things ok with me.
I think about him. I remember him. I miss him. But I’m starting to feel okay. I’m starting to feel like I don’t need another man’s approval to get through this. I’m starting to feel okay with being alone. I’m starting to feel like I can just be me again. Like I can be strong again.